Building a new relationship after my wife's death.

Sleeping is still troublesome. Last night I woke several times but was able to go back to sleep. I dreamed that I was a lung surgeon and that I was able to operate on people with bleeding lungs, low platelets and no immune response. This is of course what happened to my wife. Jo had contracted a lung infection when she had no white count. The docs tried many drugs but nothing helped and eventually she began bleeding in both lungs. It was not likely that surgery would have saved her but it didn't matter because no surgeon would attempt to operate. Her blood was do damaged by the leukemia and chemo that the she had very little clotting ability. And her immune system was producing no white cells at all. She had been getting platelets daily for weeks (even before she entered the hospital) and was getting drugs designed to stimulate the immune system. But she continued to need plasma, whole blood, and her white counts remained near zero. That made surgery impossible.

Why are these thoughts suddenly occupying my thoughts? Or more importantly when will they stop?