It has been a difficult few days for reasons don't understand. Today at church, I was doing fine when I noticed that the flowers for today were from me for Maxs birthday! I had forgotten but we always have flowers for the family birthdays. I went to check that about the payment and to thank Marty for them and she told me that Jo Lynn had taken care of everything before she died. Marty reminded me to be sure I took them home! After that I was useless. I knew that I didnt want the flowers though so I asked a friend if she would like them and she took them for me. During the service I couldnt pay attention I was very distracted, thinking about Jo Lynn.
It started lat last night, just couldnt imagine that she was gone and would never be here with me again. I dont know how to describe how that feels to me. It is not possible; I think. Then I know its true, she has died but even now it doesnt seem real to me.
Today, during church, my mind flashed to the hospital and what happened that last day. I dont even remember when I called pastor. I remember his help but no other details about his role. How can I forget that? I dont want the details of that day to slip away from me. I need to forget them, I know, but I dont want them to fade either. (Sorry that this is so contradictory!)
Friday night Deanna called, asking what our address was when we lived in Phoenix. Neither of us could recall. Deanna said, she was thinking about it and she thought, Ill just call Mom! I am so focused on my loss that I only feel Deannas loss as part of mine. The truth is different though. Deanna lost her Mom, and her friend and I havent been much help to her. The other aspect of the problem is that I cant really help her because I barely help myself.
I will close now. Not very sensible.
