It has been difficult the last two days. I was at a business meeting this week the meeting was held at Lake Tahoe, in a hotel that Jo Lynn I had occasionally stayed in for skiing weekends over the years. I knew that, of course, before going to the conference and although I thought about it didn’t bother me at first. Then yesterday morning during the meeting it hit me and knocked me for a loop. I was just consumed by this depression for two or three hours. I had planned to stay today to visit with some of the guys who traveled from the East Coast and Europe and drive home this afternoon. Instead I left before dinner last night and drove home (about 250 miles).
Then, although I was very tired I slept poorly and when I was finally asleep I dreamed again about being separated from Jo Lynn. In the dream she built a strong chain-link fence and locked it so that I couldn’t get in. The fence was around a house but the garage was outside the fence. I was using tools from the garage, trying to cut through the fence but I couldn’t get through it.
I guess this dream and the other dreams a few weeks ago, must be caused by my feelings of missing her and maybe finally coming to grips with the truth. The truth being, of course, she is gone. She will not be with me ever again. I need to get over the feelings that she “should be here”, that she “will be with me…” Perhaps the dreams are part of the recognition that she won’t ever be there again! If so I hope it all resolves soon. The feelings make me sad and the dreams do not help, in the short term anyway.
A friend told me recently that in the Jewish tradition they allow one year for the first stage of grief for the loss of a wife or husband. I think she meant that it would be one year before the griever should even begin to resume a normal life. I am not sure what that really means. I can’t imagine a life of withdrawing solitude to get over this! However, I also don’t know if what I am doing (that would be just going day to day) is a good or bad idea. I don’t like to be overtaken by these strong sad feelings at time I don’t expect.
Well today I am back in the office, way behind, and trying to catch up. Tonight I have a Photo-sig meeting and tomorrow the Symphony so I will be busy and maybe I can avoid another attack for a few days.
