The last couple of weeks were difficult. I couldn’t seem to shake the blues of missing Jo Lynn. I kept thinking back to the last day in the hospital and the last hours in the ICU. Nothing I did seemed to help drive these thoughts away. The thoughts caused me to sleep poorly and kept me distracted during the days. I don’t know what triggered this period but it has been longest stretch like this for a few months.
I have been to dinner with friends, traveled to Atlanta to visit my Dad; nothing I did took these feelings away. When I got home Sunday night from Atlanta I was very blue. Could not sleep at all that night. Then by Monday night I seemed back to normal again!
Now I am back to a more rational place. I realized yesterday that I had slept through the night again without getting up to wander the house. I was again able to put my thoughts and feelings in perspective, a welcome improvement.
I still think about her many times every day. For example, yesterday I went to new and interesting barbeque restaurant for lunch with two colleagues. It was fun and I immediately thought that I would tell Jo about it tonight. Of course even while that thought is forming I realize that I can’t tell her about it. I don’t have anyone to talk to while I watch the Baseball World Series! Sometimes I don’t know whether the main problem is missing her (I do, and I still love her) or is it just being alone so much. I will repeat myself here; I have never lived alone in my life. I was at home with my folks, then at college living with a roommate, then with my housemates when I rented a house with three of my friends. Then Jo Lynn and I were married…. never alone until April. Now everyday I am alone! I don’t know how to live alone and be happy; at least that is my fear.
Today driving to work NPR had some interviews with longtime fans of the Boston Red Sox. The fans were so pleased that their team had won a World Championship after 86 years! Many of them talked about their memories of being a fan with their deceased fathers or grand fathers. I began to weep! I couldn’t help it. I was glad it was dark so the other drivers didn’t see my insanity! It passed in two or three minutes and I felt fine afterward. I think what caused it was the idea that these people could talk about how the combination of the baseball game win and their memory of their deceased loved one could be a happy thing. I often experience things with that I know would have pleased Jo Lynn but when I think about how much she would have like it the happiness is overtaken by my sadness that she is not here. I pray that I will get passed this someday, someday soon.
I will be traveling to Washington State this weekend to visit my Mother. My sister and I will be there together. I am looking forward to seeing her and seeing my Mother and step Father too.
