I had a fairly difficult weekend. Thoughts of Jo Lynn often just swept over me. At first it remembering times we enjoyed, football games, dinners, and things like that. Then on Sunday I worked on my financial records (too long neglected) and when I was done there was no one to discuss it with. And I was fairly depressed about that, we always worked together to understand our investments and our financial status, I depended on that and now it is much less interesting to me!
Then Sunday night and Monday, I was unable to stop remembering the last few weeks when she was in the hospital and the day she died. Useless and debilitating to dwell on but sometimes I can’t avoid it. As I said these thoughts just sweep over me as though they come from some source I can’t control, very unpleasant. I wish this phase of the grief would pass but I seem stalled at this point.
The good things go on too, of course. I have my visit to San Diego for Thanksgiving coming up. I leave a week from today. Thanksgiving will have all the kids together and I look forward to that. I look forward with some dread too since holidays were so important to Jo Lynn and she will me so missed by all of us. Jake and I will run in 10K on Thanksgiving morning. It takes us through Balboa Park and finishes downtown near the new San Diego ballpark. I am looking forward to that too.
My plans for Christmas are well gelled now. Including something new; I will visit my sister in Seattle for New Years. I really look forward to that. I enjoy her family very much and I will like seeing them again. But also, it is a first break from my old (our old) routine. I had just assumed that I would go the large the New Years Eve party that Jo and had attended for years. I knew lots of people there and I would have felt very welcome. However when I thought about it I realized that the people there were more Jo’s friends than mine and so it would have caused many of them to ask me about her and to recount stories of times with her. The party would have been fine but it is time that I begin to adjust my life to a different set of activities. So my sister offered and a week or so later I accepted and I am very happy about it.
Tomorrow night some of her AA friends are going to have a “memorial” at her grave, November 17 was her AA birthday. The asked and I agreed to meet them there; I am unsure how well I like this idea. I will have to wait and see. The “memorial” idea is a much bigger deal than I had expected when they first contacted me and it worries me a little. Several of them have called or sent emails encouraging me to be there and since I would like to see them I will go. Last night they told me (via email) that they want to go out to dinner afterward. I may decide to forego that; I’ll have to see.
