I have quite a lot to catch up on….
First. I had my first weekend at home (mostly) in a while. On Saturday morning I found an obituary for Josie Romero. The Romero’s lived across the street from us while the kids were in high school. Her daughter Diana was Deanna’s best friend and was at our house a lot. In fact for years and still to this day she calls me Dad! Her Mom was diagnosed with leukemia last year while Jo Lynn was being treated. She has been in an out of the hospital and remission ever since and she pass away on Thursday. I called Deanna to tell her and she called Diana.
Diana told her that Josie “was ready she was tired of fighting and tired of the struggle, she is at peace.” Deanna said to me; “just like Mom”.
I have never been able to figure out how I feel about that! Was Jo Lynn ready? Was she so tired of the struggle that she saw death as a blessing, as a relief? Her faith was strong and she was certain that she was going to be with her savior so she didn’t fear death. She and talked about the possibility of her dying so I knew she was not afraid for herself. She was concerned for me and for the kids. She wanted to be remembered by the Grand Children. She was particularly concerned about Max who was three and one-half at the time so his memories will be vague. She wanted me to tell him how much she loved him so he would benefit from her love even though she wouldn’t be here to give it directly.
But that day; was she ready? I am not sure. When I arrived at 6:00 AM she was awake and spitting blood, she wasn’t frightened but I was. I called the nurse and she was too. When the Docs arrived they decided immediately to move her to the Pulmonary Intensive Care Unit. The nurses were visibly relieved showing how concerned they were. For the 20 to 30 minutes it took to get the move going things were in frenzy and there was not time to for she and I to talk. When they finally got the gurney moving she asked that they save her room for her and that suggested to me that she didn’t expect that she was so close to death at that point! After she arrived in PICU they put her on the ventilator right away. The tube plus the sedation meant we couldn’t talk then. She was in that state until they looked inside the lungs to see if there was any hope from that time on she was deeply sedated and only live a little while longer.
I have thought about this day often. I would be so relieved to be certain that she was ready. But I am not certain of that. I am not able to explain to myself why it makes a difference but I think it would in I knew for sure. Jo Lynn often talked with Deanna about things that she didn’t want to tell me about her fears and hopes since her first cancer and then into the leukemia too; so perhaps she told Deanna something that gives Deanna that assurance. I have decided not to ask Deanna about it because if she has only assumed it but it works to comfort her then I would not want to shake the feeling she has. By sharing my doubts, I might make Deanna doubt too and that would be cruel.
As I said at the out set Jo didn’t fear death for herself I always knew she was more concerned about me, and kids. But I struggle with what happened on April 1st. I don’t know why and I know it doesn’t matter but I relive that day my mind and always look for something that might make me understand more of how she felt that day. The clue doesn’t come though and I am left with an empty feeling and the impotent feeling that I could not do anything to help her in those last few hours.
I know that this is not very rational but nonetheless, I still think about it and want some resolution for me. I sometimes I wish that Jo Lynn would look down and see my unhappiness and loneliness and tell me something to make me feel OK, I realize that this is not possible but in my day dreams I still want it. I still wonder what she is doing. Today our sermon dealt with Revelations 7: 13-14. [This is the passage where John sees the resurrected and they appear in white robes and the elder explains to John that “These are they who have come out from the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the lamb.”] I am sure that she doesn’t look down and see me because my sadness would make her sad and in heaven she will not be sad, She will not have to endure the “great tribulation” (that is our human existence) any longer.
Here existence must be free of the conflicts and pain we here on earth must always endure. She can’t see my sadness, the death of our friend Josie, or the sadness of her friends. If she were to even know about those things she would feel sadness for us and that is not what we are promised. I struggle with this very often. I never reach a resolution. I can’t resolve it I think because my perspective is limited by my experience and my thoughts. It ideas that I get from scripture are there but they are so far outside of my experience that I can’t make them as real as my grief.
So to close with a final illogical thought. I am stuck with a real memory of a real day and a real death and these are facts. My human soul begs for contact with my wife, makes me feel that I need her to help me deal with her own death, some how. Even in my grief, though I know, that she will not, cannot do that for me. So I caught between what my soul demands from her (and of course from God); and what my faith backed with real logic tells me is reality. I feel stuck!
