Building a new relationship after my wife's death.

Several interesting things seem to be happening now, probably coincidence but still interesting.

Friday evening I attended a dinner meeting set up by my stockbroker, a typical sales pitch for stocks and advice combined with buffet at a local hotel. I went because I wanted to avoid eating alone from a can. The speakers and the dinner were just as annoying as I expected but I the companions at my table were very interesting.

The two I talked to were an Asian man and woman seated on my right, Matt and Julie. Turns out that they live not far from me and somehow the woman knew that! Anyway, she they asked questions and we talked quite a lot. He is a software engineer running a small development software company and it was interesting to hear about their products. One product he does is the image processing system used on a Sony picture printing web site. We talked about his company and photography. But more important Julie asked me some questions that led my telling them about Jo Lynn and my situation.

Turns out that her husband was killed in car pedestrian accident three years ago. Leaving her a widow with two small children. It was uncanny how easily and quickly she understood my situation. She was very helpful even though the conversation was brief. And it somehow made me feel better after being down all week after the anniversary on Monday. It was very nice to meet them and find so much in common.

Then on Saturday, I drove to Placerville to Scott’s basketball game then in the afternoon I took both Scott and Marissa to the movies. Had a great dinner and evening with all of them. But the interesting thing was a dream that I had Saturday night.

In the dream I was somehow involved with hosting a group of people and I must have been struggling (like I did for the PhotoSig) suddenly Jo Lynn was there beside me, telling me what I needed to do. I don’t think other people could see her it was like an old movie or TV show where a ghost comes back to help but only one person can see him. Anyway she sat in the kitchen and helped me. At one point I took her face in my hands, kissed her and said, “I love you so much.” It seemed like a long dream and when I woke up I remembered it very vividly, (rare for me to recall dreams at all). When I woke I also felt very happy. Not sure what exactly caused that but it was a different experience, I think that this was the first time since she died that I could think about her and not be quickly overtaken by sadness.

I don’t know if the dream marks some milestone in my grief or if it was just the result of the rich dessert Deanna served! I still feel better even now two days later. I wonder to, if meeting Julie who’s tragedy was worse than mine and seeing that in three years she clearly felt better but still missed her husband.

I didn’t do very well yesterday dealing with the wedding anniversary. I thought it would just pass, that I might be thoughtful but that I would not be really sad and down. It was worse than that. Maybe the worst day I have had since the first few weeks. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, weeping about it, and missing Jo.

By mid-morning I was physically ill; I went home at noon and worked there in the afternoon. I didn’t want to be around the people at work or anyone else. I planned to call someone but when the time came to make the call I decided against it. Not really sure why. Not a good decision either. Last night I went to some of the “grief sites” and read postings, even posted myself (although it was moderated board so my posting had not come through when I went to bed).

Both kids called and tried to help but while I loved talking to them I didn’t really feel better afterward. Jake will be in town today and will be here for dinner and will stay the night. Looking forward to seeing him. I plan to go to Deanna’s this weekend; Scott has a basketball game on Saturday, and we ski on Sunday. That is if a storm doesn’t keep us down the mountain.
I am still kind of blue but nothing like yesterday, so I guess I will get over it.

Today would have been our 41st wedding anniversary! I had pretty much put the date out of my mind and I wasn’t thinking about. Then Saturday, Deanna came down (she had to deliver a cake for Trish’s parents party) and she asked me about it. The cat was out of the bag then and the thoughts kept surfacing all day yesterday. I had planned the weekend to catch up at home and I was busy but it kept popping into my thoughts.

I re-hung the pictures in living and dining rooms, set up the system to digitize the old vinyl records and struggled with the software for that. Decided to replace my separate virus/spam/spy ware soft ware packages with the new Zone Alarm suite and bought the software on eBay. Printed and framed a photo of Jo to send to Ed for his birthday. Did my shopping and errands. Also bought and deployed a new table cloth in the dining room, this one fits the table with now extension leaves in stalled. Telephone help from Deanna for color and then a lady in the store helped select one. Looks OK, I think.

There is a lot of pressure at work right now. I have hired a new guy, a transfer into the group. But I have to wait for him to become available! New pressure from the CEO to speed up a long lingering product, if I can do that it will add four or five new people. Then we are planning to kick off our new ASIC in late Q1 or Early Q2 that ties up everyone for months at a time over the next two years. That along with the normal product and production support activities spreads me very thin. (I mention this because being busy helps but sometimes I wish the stress could be lower.)

I met with the Amex stockbroker last week and I started the process of moving most of my investments to that account. When the name changes on all the accounts are complete I will close them and transfer it all to Amex. Simple is better. After that meeting I went by the cemetery on my way home. As I have said before visiting the grave is not too emotional for me. But it is nice to see that it well kept and neat.

Now someone has glued a 15-year AA chip to the bronze plaque. It must have happened when her friends meet there on her AA birthday in November. It is cool; it would have made her very proud, the chips meant so much to her. Her friend Rob put one of his chips in the casket with her at the funeral, because he knew how much they meant to her. I often attended chip meetings with her to watch her receive the new one each year. I spoke to one of her AA friends yesterday at church. The friend told me how much she had admired Jo and that Jo was (along with her sponsor) the role model for how she wanted to live her life. She told me that she admired the peace that Jo Lynn enjoyed and showed to others. That peace came from her AA program and her faith. The friend was right she was peaceful and the program was the catalyst that brought that peace and allowed her faith to blossom. This is a long thought to thank whoever placed the chip on the head stone (it is bronze) because it reminded me of how much Jo got from her program and how much better our lives were as a result. It makes me grateful again.

[I am glad that I wrote this. Thinking about the AA chip helped me put things in perspective again.]

I moved one of the photos of Jo from the front room to the bedroom when I re-hung the photographs. I think I need to de-emphasize her pictures a little; I seem to have trouble doing that though. Oh well, it is getting better as time goes on. Last night I began to wonder if I should think about replacing the decorations in the house. Maybe I should make it more masculine! That is why I wanted to buy a new tablecloth, an odd place to start I suppose.

I will close this for now maybe later I will follow up on these thoughts.

Last week was very busy. I had the Photo-Sig my house on Friday night. Thursday, Richard and Mary came over to hang her paintings and photos. I had painted the wall and modified the hangers earlier in the week to be ready for her. Her “wall” was very good with paintings from photographs. Then Friday evening we had 11 people. That’s more than usually attend.

Roger brought diner of Chili-Verde, it was great and everyone had a nice time. They stayed until 11:30 then cleanup took until 12:30 or so. Then Saturday morning I drove to Placerville to see Scott’s basketball game then Scott and I drove to Sierra Tahoe to ski and board for the afternoon. The snow (all 18 feet of it) was good. Sunday we all went skiing and boarding again. I started for home around 2:00 PM. Had a great time.

The loneliness is more noticeable this week for some reason. I just seem to feel it more much of the time. It is not depressing or even terribly sad, just with me. I dreamed both Saturday night and Sunday night and Jo Lynn was in the dreams. The dreams seemed to set in the present with her in them rather than about any past times. I don’t have any idea why that should happen now but it did!
Still busy at work, and I have quite a bit that I want to do this weekend too.

I am pretty much through the holidays now and I was surprised how well that experience went. The plan was to stay busy and active the entire time and that seemed to work. I managed three days of skiing, Christmas at Deanna’s, then Jake, Jill, and Max with Deanna and the kids part of the time at my house; Then off to Seattle for new years with my sister and brother-in-law. All great.

I got through the gifts and celebrations with out much difficulty. It was very emotional during the Christmas Eve service at Deanna’s church. Scott and Marissa were singing in the choir and Deanna played her flute. I recalled how much Jo Lynn loved them all playing in church and Christmas Eve services were among her favorites.

Some of our family traditions are changing, because Jo Lynn is not here to do them anymore, this is, as you would expect, I think. I put up an artificial tree and did minimal decorating at home. I did not put up the hand-embroidered stockings that Jo had made for everyone; in fact I gave both kids the stockings for their families. I don’t imagine we will ever have the big deal stocking stuffers anymore because Jo really did most of that.

I had a wonderful time with Ruth and Rich over New Years. We hiked, walked through galleries in down town Seattle and had Rich’s boys and their families for a quite and early New Years Eve. They are all wonderful people. Will and Lizette brought Lizette’s dad and his friend; also very interesting people. I really enjoy Ruth and Rich very very much. The only problem was that Brian and Amy couldn’t be with us and worse Brian called Ruthie to tell her that Amy hand miscarried the baby that was due in the summer. Ruthie was very affected by that very sad news.

When I got home on the first of January, I decided that the weather was too iffy for quick ski trip so I spent the two and one-half days getting the wall ready for the Photo-Sig meeting on the 14th. I painted the wall, stained the French doors, put up the new hanging systems, and added halogen lights for the walls. Looks pretty good if I don’t say so myself!

Then it was back to work. Very busy and lots of pressure but the (almost) two weeks I was off seemed long enough and very relaxing.

This past weekend was a bit more difficult. I was pretty busy but things were slower and I had some time to think about things. I am lonesome and that is difficult. I don’t really know just how to fight the loneness. As in the past it sneaks up on me and just holds me for a time. This time it was not as bad as some of the past times so maybe I am getting past it. I hope so.