Last weekend was our “family ski trip”. This has been pretty much an annual trip for the last 10 years or so. This was the first year without Jo Lynn and that made it very different. For me it was a lot of fun, time with the kids and grandkids; wonderful snow and good skiing; and thinking how much Jo Lynn loved these trips. Jake and I talked a little bit about this on the way home on Sunday. He said that he feels like her spirit is there with us when we all get together. He has said that before but I am not sure what it means, I have not had similar feelings.
I used to think about the concept that she was here with us sometimes but I could not perceive anything that supported anything like this. I soon concluded that it was unlikely to be real based on several things. First, it seems like a bit of “friendly ghost story”, which requires a belief in fantasy that I don’t have. Second, my faith and my certainty of her faith assures me that she is in heaven, if the teachings about heaven are to be trusted we know that she has no cares, and must be happy in the presence of God in ways that I can’t understand; non the less, seeing me so lonely and sad would be troubling to her. For her to be troubled by this clearly contradicts the idea of being in heaven. (I considered the idea that she may see my stress but be able to see beyond it to some better time but that seems contrived and I rejected that idea.) Some of Jo Lynn’s close friends frequently tell me that they felt her spirit or her presence.
So even though we sometimes speak euphemistically that Jo Lynn is looking down and reacting to things around us, or that her spirit is with us, I am convinced that this is a manifestation of the memories and thoughts that occur when we in a situation that causes us to recall her. Because she was such a strong and guiding force in our lives we still feel (recall) the force and we somehow translate the feeling into the idea of presence.
I have felt my loss this week particularly strongly. We (all the family) were together last year on March 6, for my birthday then on the following Monday Jo Lynn checked into the hospital for the chemotherapy and of course, she died three weeks later without ever leaving the hospital. I expect this month to be difficult, as I seem destined to recall the details of the hospital treatment. The kids both plan to be here with me on April first so we will be together. I didn’t think of it, they did and I am glad for that. It is typical of the support they have given me during this past year. (I know that they also feel the strength from some mutual support that we all gain from this but I have almost no understanding for that part of the process. I nearly always feel that I receive support with no concept that I provide support to them.)
I had lunch yesterday with old business friend that I have seen once or twice a year for the last 15 years since we last worked together. She has converted to Judaism and she talked about how in the Jewish tradition deal with grieving. It reminded me that several years ago I heard Leonard Bernstein’s, Kaddish symphony and that after that I bought a CD of it. So last night I played it and found again that the prayer’s struggle with God is helpful to me as sometimes struggle with similar feelings.
I’ll close for now but I am still feeling more grief than I have felt for some time.
