Hi Walt
Glad to see you have kept up this diary. It has been 60 odd days since my wife has died.
Some ask me how I am doing and I feel like replying “48 years of marriage, amputated from my soul and body” but I don’t. I just say, “doing OK”
To be honest my grief is as strong to day as it was 2 months ago. I still have the strange emotional feeling she is lost and I need to find her. Last month, for one night I actually want out with the intention of finding her. It was strange because I absolutely understood she was died but my emotions refused to accept.
But I will admit that I have read your running diary 2 or 3 times and it really helps. I see that much of what you say parallels my experience. No doubt that the intellectual component of our minds clashes constantly with our emotional component; for lack of a better description of my thoughts.
Again I thank you for keeping this diary and expressing your thoughts.
Sincerely
Phil Kiernan
Glad to see you have kept up this diary. It has been 60 odd days since my wife has died.
Some ask me how I am doing and I feel like replying “48 years of marriage, amputated from my soul and body” but I don’t. I just say, “doing OK”
To be honest my grief is as strong to day as it was 2 months ago. I still have the strange emotional feeling she is lost and I need to find her. Last month, for one night I actually want out with the intention of finding her. It was strange because I absolutely understood she was died but my emotions refused to accept.
But I will admit that I have read your running diary 2 or 3 times and it really helps. I see that much of what you say parallels my experience. No doubt that the intellectual component of our minds clashes constantly with our emotional component; for lack of a better description of my thoughts.
Again I thank you for keeping this diary and expressing your thoughts.
Sincerely
Phil Kiernan
# posted by 
: 8:48 PM
: 8:48 PM
Phil,
I understand how you must feel. I can still recall the feelings from the first few months. One woman I met on an airplane asked me about it and when she saw my reaction she asked how long since the death and when I told her she said; “oh so it still very raw.” That, I thought, was a good description of the wound or at least how I felt about it.
My experience has been that it gets better (I think you see that in my posts) but slowly. I spent this past weekend with son and his family and although I had a great time it still causes me to remember Jo Lynn. My grandson, Max, is 4 years old, he barely remembers “Grammy” and of course he will not remember how much she loved him. That was something that bothered her before she died. She asked me one day to, “please, tell Max how much I loved him”. I feel bad that I can’t really do that because he is too little to understand. Perhaps when he is older I will tell him but by then all memories of her may have faded for him. Maybe the older grand children can better tell him.
I guess my feeling is that when you have been happy with someone for 40 years (or 48 in your case) the hole left when they leave is large, and difficult to cope with but it does get better. I still have the big hole but I don’t think about constantly and the feelings that she should be there have waned until now (most of the time) it is just a feeling of being lonesome.
Let me know if I can help you via email or telephone.
Walt
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I understand how you must feel. I can still recall the feelings from the first few months. One woman I met on an airplane asked me about it and when she saw my reaction she asked how long since the death and when I told her she said; “oh so it still very raw.” That, I thought, was a good description of the wound or at least how I felt about it.
My experience has been that it gets better (I think you see that in my posts) but slowly. I spent this past weekend with son and his family and although I had a great time it still causes me to remember Jo Lynn. My grandson, Max, is 4 years old, he barely remembers “Grammy” and of course he will not remember how much she loved him. That was something that bothered her before she died. She asked me one day to, “please, tell Max how much I loved him”. I feel bad that I can’t really do that because he is too little to understand. Perhaps when he is older I will tell him but by then all memories of her may have faded for him. Maybe the older grand children can better tell him.
I guess my feeling is that when you have been happy with someone for 40 years (or 48 in your case) the hole left when they leave is large, and difficult to cope with but it does get better. I still have the big hole but I don’t think about constantly and the feelings that she should be there have waned until now (most of the time) it is just a feeling of being lonesome.
Let me know if I can help you via email or telephone.
Walt
