It has been a couple of weeks since my last entry here. I started several times to write but I didn’t seem to have time or the inspiration, I guess the muse was absent. (As if I had a museJ)
I went to San Diego this past weekend to spend the long Independence Day weekend with Jake, Jill, and Max. I had a good time and Max is getting to be even more fun as he grows up a little more. Some how though I came home more conscious of Jo’s loss than usual. More than I have felt for sometime. I am not sure why but it seems like spending time with Jake’s family does that to me.
Maybe it’s because he (Jake) doesn’t have the same sense of loss that Deanna and I seem to have; or maybe it is because of my wish to make Max remember his Grandma Jo Lynn. After Jo was diagnosed with the MDS but before she entered treatment she wanted to me to let Max know how much she loved him and would have loved him. But I don’t really know how to do that. Maybe it is not possible for him (he was three) when she died to remember the intense love she held for him. Maybe a more able Grandfather could find a way to make the love seem real in memory. Or maybe he will ask me someday about her and her love and I can tell him then. Or maybe he will ask Scott or Marissa and they will tell him. I don’t know how to do it any differently even though I wish I could directly act on Jo’s wish.
Anyway after I returned home yesterday around one o’clock in the afternoon I went by Doug and Marion Wells’ house for their annual Fourth of July party. It is of course an AA event. I ran into several of the “chicks”, a few others that I know but the number of people I knew was small and I was not able to enjoy myself so I left after 30 minutes. Came home a puttered around all afternoon.
Last week my stepmother, Jewell was ordered to have a CAT scan after some pain in her abdomen. It delayed their departure for the west coast for their summer trip. Neither Ruth nor I knew what symptoms led to the CAT but I was quite concerned. Although the first word was no report until Tuesday (today) Dad sent an email on Saturday that all was well, she just has to curtail dairy products and they left Sunday on the trip. So my concerns were unnecessary. But I am glad it turned out OK.
I will meet Dad and Jewell in Seattle on the 12th of July and spend a few days in the Cascades with them along with Rich and Ruth. Looking forward to that visit.
Back to my missing Jo; all day yesterday I felt it and still today I feel the sadness. I skipped going to a fireworks show because she loved fireworks so much and didn’t want to face that alone. So on TV I watched a medical show…stupid…I flashed back again to the last day in the PICU and her death! I am not sure when this cycle will finally break once and for all.
Last time I wrote that Dee from church was going to try to fix me up with a woman from the program but nothing has come of it so far. I am not sure I want someone from the program but I am probably willing to accept that if we got along otherwise. It doesn’t matter unless someone appears anyway.
