It's been about two weeks since I wrote anything to this blog. It has been a fairly busy time for me but also very emotional. Often in mind of Jo Lynn.
I had Scott (12 year old grandson) for several days. He is a great guy, quite, and a bit stoic. But he was very affected by Jo Lynn's death. He mentions her often and it is clear that he misses her in a very personal way. He doesn't talk about it but I suspect he still feels the loss. Scott and I went to San Jose Grand Prix together and generally had a great time the few days he was here with me.
Then Marissa (15 year old grand daughter) was here last week. She helped the Vacation Bible School at my church in the mornings and in the evenings we ate dinner and visited. Marissa is remarkable young woman, bright and mature for her age. She is very outgoing, even vivacious. She had the afternoons alone so the young women whom she worked with at VBS invited her to have lunch and swim with them. They were very kind to her and she was pleased to be with them. She enjoyed helping them care for their small children and I am sure the moms liked having someone to help them.
A nice thing that happened (though it will take a while to tell) was very moving. For the last several years before she died, Jo Lynn made a practice of crocheting beautiful receiving blankets for women when a new baby was expected. These blankets were very very nice and she made them for all the women in the church and many of her friends too. Three of the young women Marissa was with had received them. One of them. Lisa, has the last blanket Jo had completed (there was another one partially complete when Jo died and Deanna finished it for Jo's friend Bunny) when she was pretty sick. Giving it to Lisa was pretty emotional when Jo gave it to her. Anyway, the young women talked about the blankets and asked Marissa if sh had one of Jo's blankets for her children. When they learned that she hadn't, they offered that when she needed a blanket they would be willing to give her theirs. I thought that was so thoughtful and kind. It makes weepy even now as I write this! I guess I should always remember how much Jo was loved by so many people.
Her friend Bunny (above) named her little girl Kayla JoLynn, after my Jo Lynn. Kayla JoLynn was one year old recently and Bunny sent me a photo. She is bringing the baby by later this week for a visit.
I have been thinking a lot about Jo Lynn these last two weeks. I am in a cycle of thinking about her. I find myself sometimes almost unable to believe she died. It just seems so wrong and so unbelievable. I am not delusional of course, but nonetheless it is an odd feeling even though I can't really describe it. I still have a lot of photographs of her in the house and I have started to think about removing some of them but I never get beyond the thinking stage. I wonder if it would be better if I did put most of them away but my inertia is greater than the power to change, so I haven't done anything about it yet. I think I will move some of them pretty soon though!
Back the visitors. Marissa's 15th birthday occurred while she was here last week, on Tuesday. I took her to dinner at Elements, her favorite restaurant, then on Wednesday, a Giants game (they lost), and then later a shopping Macy'sat Macys to buy her some school clothes. She was very grown up through it all.
Marissa left on Friday and then later Friday, Jake, Jill, and Max flew in. We went to the SF Giants again (they won 3 - 0 over the Astros). We spent the weekend together and had a good visit. They left today to fly home to San Diego. Max is a powerful bundle of energy. He keeps his folks on the chase all the time, but he much fun and is developing a personality that is playful and pleasing.
I think I will drive over to the cemetery yet tonight. It is starting to cool off and it seems like something I should do so I will close for now.
Three hours later...
I went to the cemetery but it didn't help me feel better; I thought I would be able to sit at the grave and feel better somehow; it didn't happen. I was not able to cry, although I felt like I needed to and I was not able to calm myself there. On the drive over I felt like I would feel better but that did not happen. I left just as unsettled and unhappy as I was before I went, not worse but the same.
Since I have been home I am even thinking about her cancer and her horrible treatments. I even imagined that I have the same disease and how I would hate the treatment and surgery! This is not something I have experienced before. I have no idea why this is coming on now, over 16 months after Jo Lynn died. It doesn't seem to make sense at all.
It is time to go to bed but I am not tired and I don't think I will sleep very well tonight. And I don't think I can do anything else productive because I can't clear my mind of these thoughts.
