I seemed to entered another difficult period. Last night was another of those times when I can't seem to get myself going. Then I had a difficult time falling asleep and I woke often during the night.
I have been going through old photos finding some good one of Jo and then printing them. Maybe that is not such a good idea?
I'm home after spending yesterday and this morning at Deanna's. Saw Scott's football preseason rally on Saturday morning and today both Scott and Marissa were in a play at that their church. The play was called Moses and Slaves are Freed (or something like that. Scott played Moses and Marissa was pharaoh! Scott did a very good job both acting and singing. Marissa was great as bamboozeled pharaoh. Jo Lynn would have been so proud of the kids and of Rich and Deanna. I expect to be pretty blue but I got through it ok.
I came home early to fix my automatic washing machine. Then later this afternoon I got the blues. I looked at some old pictures and that started it...
I will go for run soon (when the temperature drops to 80 degrees) and that will help.
Church was pretty difficult today. As I have mentioned before it often is difficult but today in bible class Pastor used Jo Lynn's illness, her first treatments that succeeded followed by the MDS/Leukemia as examples of our need to accept God's will. He did it well but it was very hard for me. Then when I came home I had and email from a friend and former pastor that was intended to help and does I think.
I am sure that I will someday be able to get passed this but to ever stop being lonely seems difficult to me. The intellectual side and the feelings side of me aren't together on this. Anyway Pastor's note is helpful.
I quote the email in full;
It sounds like you have it together and are
looking ahead.
Jo was a special woman, your life with her
were was intertwined for those golden
year of raising children, gaining financial stability,
and growing older together. The fact is, you
will never stop missing her or thinking about
her. Those events will never happen
again.
I remember a couple I married in Michigan.
Both had been successfully married for over
20 years, had children, and has lost their
spouses. After about 4 or 5 years alone,
and after raising their youngest children,
they began to do things with each other.
This help[ed] them not be so lonely and did
led to their marriage. I remember him
telling me, "this time I am marrying for
a whole bunch of different reasons."
That was almost 20 years ago. Had you
visited their house you would have seen
pictures of both ex-spouses, side by side,
on the mantel. They were not forgotten,
nor were their children. They put their life
into a trust and everything was sorted
out. They taught me a lot about love, life, and
relationships.
Had a good time at the Giants game last night. Scott was happy that they won, beat the Mets!
Missed Jo because she so loved to take the kids places for their birthdays, and we all felt her absense. On the way out Deanna said she had missed her a lot this week because "Mom was always so interested in how I prepared for school and how I set up my classroom..."
Today I ran errands. Got Jo's Caddy jump started so I can get the AC fixed and then sell it. On the radio (NPR) I heard a feature about woman being with her father as he was taken of life support and passed away. It hit too close to home, I had to stop the car and wept. Very hard for me to remember that time.
Will I ever be normal again??
I have had some odd experiences the last few days. Even dreamed on Wednesday night that Jo was with me. I think this is the first time that I have had such a dream (I am prone to dreams or at least remembering dreams). Last night I had to finally do my ironing, I had put it off for until I was out of trousers! My ability to cope with these little things seems to getting worse not better.
Since my vacation I have not been eating well either nor keeping the house as neat as I want to. I guess I need to think about all of this and get myself together soon.
Things are pretty back to normal and that is good, I guess. I awoke this morning and I imagined that Jo was there with me! I have no idea where the feeling came from; I just felt it. I wasn't dreaming as far as I know but still the feeling. Then as I realized the feeling I felt silly. She can't be there and I know that.
The reality is that I still have this kind of feelings fairly often. They don't last long, and thought they usually (always) make me feel sad most of the time I don't weep and the feeling passes. Sometimes the sadness persists for longer times but if I am busy even the sadness is short lived.
In the news (Yahoo) this morning I noticed a photograph of a woman who lost her husband in the 9/11 attack. She was attending a hearing in WDC and her wedding ring was prominent on her hand. Makes me wonder...I haven't worn mine for a while now. I still carry it on my key ring but I am not wearing it. Nothing has changed in my behavior but still; What is the right time for this. Does it matter how the spouse died? Does the age matter? Does it matter that younger people have children at home? Or is it something everyone must guess about and then figure out for themselves?
Well my vacation is over. And I haven't posted for weeks. The rest of the vacation was great. Saw my sister and others family. Had a good time. Met my sister's new step children and liked them a lot. Saw my mother and now I worry about her more and feel the need to support her and Joe a bit more than I do.
Got home and went camping with my kids and g-kids. It was hot, dusty, windy, and the boat broke down!
Then I had each of the older g-kids at my house for a week each. Loved that but the last day was Friday and I am glad to be back on my own. This past weekend I visited Jake and his family in San Diego, also had a good time there.
During the last several weeks I think my coping is improving but I still experience these waves of loss and sadness. They sweep over me almost with out warning and take from a few minutes to a few hours to dissipate. For example in church two weeks ago with Scott, he was very sad and I realized that he missed G-ma. It made me very sad too. Another day I asked him if he wanted to visit the cemetery; No he said, it would just make me sadder still. I know how he feels.
I'll close for now.
More..8/17/04
Things seemed a little more normal last night. After 2 weeks of vacation and 2 weeks of grandkids it seems good to be back to normal. I missed not being able to come into the office early (I was taking the g'kids to the church of bible school at 8:30 before work). I have a lot to do at home and I hope to get some time to clean up the office either Wed night or on Saturday. It is messy and cluttered with the new printer.
This Friday I will go to a Giants game in SF with Deanna and family to celebrate birthdays. Looking forward to that, I hope it isn't too cold. Last year we froze our butts off:-)
I am at the office and I have time to write here while I am backing up my email files. I can do the backup because our email is down for some reason. Very annoying.
I am trying to decide if I should begin to call some women friends that I have known over the years who might still be single or know women who are. I think about it and decide to do it but then I never act on that decision...I don't know exactly what the timing should be for such moves?
Marion Wells called yesterday, I will call her back and see if I can get together with her and Doug for supper. Also need to hook up with Rob and Lois, and perhaps Linda & Bunny. Oh well. (These are all Jo Lynn's friends not candidates).
Tonight is Men's club at church so I will have a good meal today.
I have kept up my running and been fairly good about eating since Jo died. I haven't gained any weight, still 184 this morning. And I consistently run 12 to 15 miles each week (4.7 miles last night).
