Building a new relationship after my wife's death.

I have been so busy at work that I haven’t taken time to blog for some time. We have a lot of stress at work now and it is a bit of a pain. We are in a hiring mode and once we get past that we will be in better shape. Meantime, we need to soldier on.

Scott is staying with me this weekend over Memorial Day. We went to a SF Giants game on Friday, the Giants lost. Yesterday evening we went to symphony, Scott says he “may” want to go again but he wasn’t to enthused by it (he fell asleep). We also went to bike ride yesterday but his bicycle broke in a minor crash after less than two miles and we had to walk the bikes back to the car! Today we will go to church and maybe a movie. He says he is having a good time.

We all leave for Hawaii next Saturday and everyone is looking forward to that. I expect that it will be great fun and a good time to relax. Marissa and I have to take photos for our wall to be presented in July at Photosig.

The trip will be fun but I can’t help thinking about how much Jo Lynn would have loved taking this trip with everyone. I am doubtful that we could have found time for everyone to go together while she was still alive. Somehow the kids have and I have grown closer and more interested in combined family outings and events since she is gone. It may be me that has changed or at least my perception is changed. No matter; we will have great time on vacation. It will be the first time ever that we have ever taken a trip like this as adults, in fact it is probably the first time since Jake and Deanna were in high school that they have taken a trip together with me! I am thankful to them for doing it.

Eileen’s birthday is coming up, she is Jo’s mom, I am not sure how well she is but I am sending a card. I hope it makes her day a little more cheerful. I have been thinking about Jo more lately. Missing her a lot and thinking about how I never really expected to be alone, even when she was sick the first time, although we knew she might die it never came through to me what it would like to live alone, without her. I am lonesome and often sad when I am alone especially in the evenings and the weekend afternoons.

It is hard to describe the feelings I have now. I am lonely but I have grown used to being alone and lonely so it no longer feels as strange as it did. In fact I would say it feels rather normal now! Not happy but customary, I suppose.

Odd things happened today.

I traveled to Long Beach on business today but before I left for the airport this morning on Yahoo News I saw a piece that described a drug trial that was found to be very very successful in treating MDS. Of course that was what Jo Lynn had that later turned in ACL. Anyway this drug trial reported that 80 % of the tested trial people improved and 50% showed no symptoms after a short time. Of course there was not enough information to suggest that the type of MDS she had was even included in the test. No the less, it made me wonder if it could have been just one year later….

Then, on the plane, I read an article in the paper that discussed a two older people (both were grandparents) who were planning to marry and the crux was that grandchildren have problems dealing with a new Grandma appearing in their world! I just started to cry right there on the plane. The first time that has happened in a long time. Don’t know if anyone saw me but I’m sure I looked odd just sitting there with tears rolling down my face.
Oh well I will get past these things too.

I have recently recognized another problem that I hadn’t really focused on before. With Jo gone I have no one to talk over problems with. She was my friend and the person I used as a sounding board for work related stresses, and we talked about other problems together.

The last few weeks at WhereNet have been very stressful for me and I find that I have no one to discuss it with. Add to that the problem that Rich and Deanna have with the shop vandalism and I feel very uncomfortable and I have trouble relaxing, not mention trouble sleeping. I don’t know of a solution but I think it is a big problem right now.

Yesterday was a pretty bad one. Yesterday morning Deanna called very upset. Someone had broken into the shop and she was on her way there. Rich had called her. She said she needed her Mom! Later she called with details.

The shop had been vandalized but the vandals didn’t get in. The broke the back window and threw rocks and other objects through the window and damaged the cars. By the end of the day they thought the damage would be around $15K to $20K. They have $10K deductible on their “shop keepers insurance policy”. But they are afraid to use it because it may be cancelled! Three cars are damaged, and one of the owners is very upset, she said. The one who is upset has a very special car and it may have to be repainted completely and that could cost more than the $20K she fears.

The window are not alarmed and the bars were on the inside so now they will look into adding outside bars and motion detection to the system. The sheriff believes that the damage was done by kids and doesn’t believe they were intentionally attacking the shop. But it has still made them very fearful.

Deanna called later last night to be sure that my feelings weren’t hurt by when she said she wanted “her Mom”. I told her no, my feelings weren’t hurt and I recognized that I couldn’t help in the same way Jo Lynn could have. My feelings were not hurt, though I would prefer that I could be more helpful in situations like this.

If they have to pay the money they will be short so I told her I would pay their share of the Hawaii trip and she said they would wait and see how it all comes out. She and Rich are both very upset and discouraged by this. She says that it makes her feel like she did when their house was burglarized a few years ago.

Add to this the problem the chaos at work with to many priorities and everything behind and my day yesterday was a disaster.

I visited Albion on the weekend. Ruthie, Rich, Brian, and Amy were there as well. We had a good visit and I met Amy; she is a great young woman and she and Bri seem very happy. Mom is doing well too, I think. She seems to feel better than she did last fall (this matches what I thought from the phone calls). Her depression is better for sure (Joe agrees) and here short-term memory problems are no worse and they even seem a little better at times. She was sick with an upset stomach on Saturday morning but by late afternoon she was ok again.
Mother’s Day was kind of hard for me. I missed Jo again and traveling gave me lots of time to think about it and missing her. I hope to get out of this funk this week at least I will try and see what happens.

Last week was more difficult for some reason, this past weekend even more so. I don’t know why but I seem to me more affected again! Maybe it is the stress at work or maybe something else. On Saturday, I didn’t do much really. I searched old photographs to find a photo of Deanna at her baptism to put with the dress and shadow box. I found one with Jo Lynn and I, Gene and Carol Bruns (her God Parents), and Pastor Ferking; And, of course, Deanna. While searching I found a few other pictures from the old days that were interesting, I scanned them and sent them off to the interested parties.

Yesterday I went to church and then to an Art Show at West Valley College. I bought a pair of earrings that I will use as a gift for one of the females in the family. Then I printed and framed a couple of photographs that I took at Kelly Park last month. One of them is pretty good I think.

Jake is coming on Wednesday, evening for dinner and to stay over. He has meetings in San Francisco. It will be good to see him. He and I talked last night about the deck building project we will be doing in two weeks. It sounds like he will be ready to go, with plans and materials.

He and Jill had the flowers at their church yesterday for “Mom’s birthday”. I was surprised, but I don’t know why. I think because I hadn’t really thought about her birthday (May 5). I am sure that Deanna will be sad when she thinks about it too. Maybe that is part of why I am kind of down?

I will be going to Washington, the week of July 11. I will spend some time with Ruth and Rich and then travel to Albion too. I will try to get the legal stuff cleared up in Colfax with Jo Lynn’s estate this trip. I am not looking forward to that! There is probably not much I can do as long as Eileen is alive with the land or (for sure) the account but I would like to have all of it in 529 accounts for Scott and Marissa. I hope to talk to Mary Beth and Ed while I am there about it, maybe we can all get on the same page.