I was struck this week by the fact that the last few months before Jo Lynn died she drove so hard toward the major redecoration of the house. Even thought it was (I thought) caused by the reaction to the steroids she was taking I am reflecting on how nice it is. It was needed and I am pretty sure that I would not have undertaken it on my own. So I see it as blessing from her. The new carpet, hardwood, and colors still look good and fresh.
I took the first step on Sunday to try to meet a woman. A woman at church asked me again if I was interested and this time I said I would be. She had in mind someone named Josie, from the program. I don’t have high hopes; in fact I had thought I would not look for someone in AA (even though I know many people who would help) because of the possible baggage that would come with it. I didn’t mind supporting Jo for because we were together so many years and I came to see the program as part of her and it was so much better than the period before she go sober. But I don’t know about taking on that extra burden with anyone else. At least if she and I meet we can decide after that if it will be a problem or not.
I don’t have very high hopes but I am anxious to see how it will feel and if we get along I will enjoy having someone to spend time with for dinners, movies, and the like. We’ll see if anything comes of it or not. Deanna will be attending the Giants game with me on Thursday, night, I will let her know that I may start seeing someone soon so that she can get comfortable with the idea. I don’t think anyone will be much bothered but Deanna and Jake should have a warning, I think.
The pressure at work is still very heavy but should be easing in a few weeks. I think I have found a new RF Engineer and hope to make an offer this week. Another hand in the group will be a relief.
I am busy working with the pictures from Hawaii. The photosig that Marissa and I will display our work (do the wall) will be August 4th. But I will need to start choosing and tuning soon. The wall that Eric did last Friday set a high bar, his photos were very good. But I look forward to doing the wall and printing the photographs.
I am back from Maui. It was a great vacation and it was very good to spend time together as a family. I was surprised that the kids all began talking about “next family vacation” and how to plan it. I hope we are able to make it work again. On Friday, I promised Scott that we would go back again in three years (when he and Marissa both have graduations) and Jake wanted to be sure that I didn’t intend to wait three years for the next family vacation. It was a lot of fun even though Scott couldn’t do most activities because of his recent, healing, appendectomy. Scott was a real trooper, little complaining and great cooperation. Both he and Marissa shared the duty of helping with Max, although Max loves to spend time with Scott, Marissa is very good with him and he loves attention from her as well.
We did all the things that were planned, surfing, parasailing, zip-line, snorkeling, boogie boarding, just swimming, biking from the summit of Haleakala (10,000 feet to sea level, covering 38 miles), and more.
I missed Jo Lynn often but it was not something that made me sad, thoughtful perhaps but not sad. I did have some dreams that included her. In one she was starting to drink beer in a bar! I was taking the tiny cups she had, away from her but then some of her AA friends swept in and took her safely away! I never had a dream like this before, even when she was alive! In the other dreams (details not remembered) she was just there with us.
I am tired since I couldn’t sleep on the red-eye we came home on. But I want to stay up late enough to get a normal night’s sleep tonight. I will go have a salad for dinner soon. I need to make up for a week of very bad eating habits!
Added 6-13-05
I was very lonely yesterday afternoon and evening. Thought about Jo more often than I usually do and I certainly missed the kids after being with them all week. And the book from my 40th High School reunion came and reading through the stories made me even more gloomy! I am back at work this morning and I will be sucked into the vortex soon enough.
A lot has happened since my recent posting.
We have been busy planning our vacation on Maui and then Thursday morning Deanna called. She was on her way to the ER with Scott and she thought he had appendicitis! It turned out she was right and in afternoon he had the appendix removed. Fortunately it hadn’t burst so the operation was not particularly troublesome. He is getting better and will spend a second night in the hospital, the Dr wants him to regain his appetite and to be sure that his bowels are working ok. Deanna says he is feeling better but still is unable to move to much without pain, however they have cut back on pain medication.
So he is going to be fine but he will not be able to make the Maui flight in the morning, Jake jumped in and rebooked Deanna and Scott for a Monday, evening flight and we have rescheduled some of our activities to accommodate Scott’s situation. He can’t snorkel, surf, parasail, bike, or do the zip-line, all of which were in his plans. He will get to enjoy the sights and weather at least.
Now for the downer part; all week I have been thinking how much Jo Lynn would have loved the idea that we are all going to Hawaii together. I doubt that it would have come together this year if she hadn’t died though. The stimulus came from Jake and Jill and grew out of our wanting to be together and to support ourselves through our grief. The irony is so clear but the sadness flows through me all the time. Then the minor Scott incident made we so aware that Jo Lynn is not here.
She would have dropped everything and gone to be with Scott and Deanna without even a thought. I on the other hand worked and kept in touch by phone all day. Deanna never said that she missed her mom but I imagine she did. She did very very well dealing with Scott and the problems but I am so sorry that she didn’t have Jo there to support her. She of course didn’t expect such support from me and I am not very good at it either. So we are ok but I know I miss seeing Jo share herself so willing with the kids and others. Remembering her makes me wish that I had some of the giving traits that she had. Wishing that I had them changes nothing, of course.
All the planning, worry, and stress at work have left me kind of blasted this evening. Rich and Marissa will note be here ‘til after midnight since Rich has to finish a car before they can leave and he lost a lot of time yesterday and today with Scott. I worry about them driving so late but mostly I was looking forward to being with them tonight. So I am lonesome,
Scott was here with me last weekend and I am glad his appendix didn’t flare up then. When Deanna came on Monday to pick him up we spent a nice day and went to grave to place some flowers. I’m not sure that was such a good idea; maybe that is what started me thinking so much about her, and missing her so much.
Well I am looking forward to having a good time and decompressing on vacation.
