Building a new relationship after my wife's death.

This is the third day of my trip / vacation.  All going well so far.  The drive has been restful and beautiful.  I have over 300 pictures so far, many dupes but some seem good.  Taking many in raw mode and the software to process them is not on my notebook so I can only view them for now.

The first night in Mendocino, I happened on a concert by the Kronos Quartet.  They as good as their reputation.  Some of the music was a little to modern for me but I liked most of it.  Just lucky that I saw the Music Festival tent and could still get a seat.

It seems so strange taking a trip like this without Jo to share it with me.  I visited many places in Mendocino and vicinity that she and I have done together in years past.  Some good times.  I was nostalgic but not too sad, really.  Made me lonesome I think it the best way to describe it. I thought about my situation quite a bit, I think I am getting past the grief.  I still miss here and feel strange alone.  I need someone to talk to and share my thoughts with.  Deanna does her best but it is pretty hard for her and it doesn't quite work.

Deanna and the kids visited my mother and found her very ill.  nauseated and with bad headaches.  She was quite concerned.  She is on to Bois today visiting Trish.

Mom went to the doctor today and Joe told me the following.  The trouble with nausea and headaches were due to the Alzheimer's meds.  Stop them for a week and see, then do a different drug.  Mom's MRI apparently revealed some brain damage (the type is unclear from Joe).  The doc recommends that mom try reading, puzzles, and (most important) keep a journal for significant things that happen.  Visits, calls, appointments, etc.  He thinks this will help slow the advance of the disease.  I don't know if she will try any of this or not.  Joe is working hard to get himself free to go the wedding and if he does I will take him back on Sunday afternoon.  He would only need to leave her two nights that way.  He would ride to Seattle with Susan and Lori,

I am worried about Joe and Mom.  Not much I can do but support them (that means support Joe) I think.  Ruth has talked to Merle and Susan about it and they are understanding too.

I will close for now.  I am sending all my pics to my private drive at WN for backup and that will keep the computer going all night I think.

This was a busy week.  Getting ready to go away  for a 2 week vacation and setting up the photo show for the photosig.  All in all it went well though, the pictures were a success; everyone liked them.
 
I am pretty well packed for leaving on Monday.  Tomorrow I will drive Roger and Bobby to Sears Point where we go each year to the LeMans series races.  Should be good weather.
 
My mother seems to be not doing to well.  Reports from R were that she is throwing up and having bad headaches over several days.  And -believe this- canceling her Dr appointment.  Mom told me tonight that she is starting to feel better.  I hope it's true.  Deanna's gang is on the way to see Mom and Joe.  Joe asked her this week to extend their stay to overlap one night with Lori and Susan. 
 
R also reported that Joe has done some work to prepare to going alone to Nate's wedding and riding back with me to Albion.  I hope he is able to pull that off.  He has apparently talked to some woman named Audrey about staying with Mom.
 
I just don't have a good feeling about how long Mom will last.  I know it is out of my control but I will not feel good about another loss right now.
 
 

I visited Deanna and all this weekend. Drove there Saturday late morning and went boating with them at Sly Park. Yesterday, Deanna, Rich, and Scott were boating with the Santanas and I took Marissa to church and then dropped her at the Sugerloaf Arts Camp after lunch.

I was feeling pretty blue on Friday and I was good to see them. I thought about how I feel on the way home (three hours to ponder). I think somehow that my being alone is starting to feel less odd but that doesn't seem to relieve the loneliness. I got home last night, hot, tired, and drained, wasn't able to get myself going very well. I am preparing to take the two week vacation starting on Friday but even that seems to be losing some of the appeal it had before.

One thing that has been dragging me down is a spat of dealing with more medical bills. The last two weeks it was Aetna with the hospital bills that looked like I would have pay $100K, then it got resolved. Last night there was another bill, this time another Doc that got the wrong insurance company information from Good Sam. Seems like it never ends!

I will be busy at work this week and busy at home getting ready to leave next Monday.

I have not been able to shake the loneliness this week. I am busy but still the feeling of being alone is always bearing on me. Not sure why, maybe seeing the AA group on Sunday or perhaps it's just a normal relapse, not caused by anything other than being alone.

I am nearly ready for "the wall". That is the photo display at the PhotoSig I am a member of. I have enough pictures printed I still need to frame two. For one of those I am waiting on the store to deliver one more 16 X 20 frame. I will take them all to Roger's house on Saturday so that he can hang them on "the Wall". I am generally pleased with the photos, but I have learned a lot about processing and printing them and. Of course I bought the new photo printer and learning that has been interesting and not problem free:-) Anyway I am ready ahead of schedule.

Spoke to my mother last night. She seemed fine at the start of the call but then she forgot that my step sisters were soon to visit them, she forgot a lot of other stuff too. She seemed to get upset when it turned out she was forgetting those things. I must be terrible to be in her mind now. She must be very frightened when she realizes that she forgets so many important things. I feel very sorry for her.

After that I called my sister and we talked again about Mom. Not much we can really do for her or more importantly for Joe (my step father). Ruthie has helped them with the doctors and the medications but she can't be there all the time of course. I don't do much of anything for them, I am afraid.

I did visit the cemetery on Monday. Not much to report about that, it didn't make me miss Jo Lynn more or less. I think about her and miss her without that stimulus. The cause my current blues maybe the photos I have been going through. I did print some of her with the kids and one of she and I. I don't know...

While I type this I am running a back up routine for my email. I have four more minutes left then I will get back to work.

Another week has gone by, with some ups and some downs. This week Deanna and the kids came on Thursday and fixed me dinner. We went for a swim and then Jake missed his plane home and he called and stayed overnight too. It was very nice.

Yesterday (July 4) I went to a large party, I knew some folks but mostly they were Jo Lynn's friends. I was glad to see them but I left after a couple of hours.

The pictures are nearly ready for the Photo Sig, just a couple of more prints and I need to get one more 16X20 frame. Bed,Bath & Beyond is out of them. Both stores have them on order and will try to get them to me by next week. We'll see.

Kind of sad yesterday, seeing the AA friends. It still seems so strange that she is not here. It is sad but lately more than that, it is so strange. When something interesting happens I still have the thought that I will tell her something when I see her! I guess after 40 years that habit is slow to change.

I am starting to plan my vacation. Bought some new maps today and will make hotel reservations this week. At least for the trip to Seattle; The trip home will have to wait until I know where I will be going. That is will I come home from Seattle or will I be taking Mom and Joe back to Albion?

I think I will drive over to the cemetary this afternoon.