Building a new relationship after my wife's death.

Jake was here for dinner last night. We had a good dinner and a good visit.

Yesterday I had lunch will three women that we had known for many years ago and we have kept in touch off and on. They had not known about Jo until I called to set up our annual lunch. The talked about the ski trips we used to take when we all worked together. Five couples and would rent a large house and ski for a long weekend. They have photographs of us all sitting at the dinner table. Those trips were fun. One member of the each couple worked with me, sometimes they were stressful for the spouses but by and large it was lots of fun. And it was fun to see them and catch up a little bit.

The last couple of weeks were somewhat more difficult than I had expected. Mostly because of some odd memories. I have repeatedly been recalling the day she died and the events that happened that day in the hospital. I find myself going over the details in my mind, not sure why, just remembering. Details like the relief in voice of the floor nurses when they learned that Jo was being transferred to intensive care! I think about; The kindness of the nurses and techs in the pulmonary intensive care unit. I think about; How much help it was to me when Deanna (our daughter) arrived that day; Even the difficulty of calling Jake (our son) trying to get through to him finding later that his phone had been left off the hook by accident. All kinds of small details, for the most part unimportant but somehow they are stuck in my memory and now they keep coming back.

I even have some strange dreams. I don't often have or recall dreams but during the last two weeks I dream often of her. In these dreams she and I are apart and trying to get together but things keep preventing us from succeeding. (The meaning seems clear now but when I have the dreams it is not so clear.)

Today I saw some old friends who I hadn't seen since the funeral and that made a nice afternoon. This weekend I kept Scott and Marissa while Rich and Deanna took a short trip to commemorate their anniversary (number 13). We had a good time, the kids an I, played Monopoly and Scrabble, and saw Marissa march in her high school band. Then today we went to Scotts Bantam Football game. The game was in Sonora where we met the Shoemakers at their church then they came to the game with us. This week I have lunches planned with other old friends. The fact that they all tuned up this week is pure coincidence, not planned. Looking forward to seeing them and catching up. Also Jake is coming to town for business and will come tomorrow for dinner and will spend the night. I look forward to seeing him.

I'll be happy when the feelings of loss and missing Jo abate more. They don't feel good right now. Walt

Thoughts about how I miss my wife...

I spoke to friend recently, she hadn’t known about Jo’s death. She has been married only eight years but she said that she couldn’t imagine not being with Jerry because their lives had become so integrated. I think what she said is helpful. My feelings are not the same all the time.

Sometimes I am affected by the fact that she is not here to do things with, to talk to, etc. She can’t tell me how to wash my clothes for example, or how to cook squash! The things we always did for each other are big missing pieces now. Some are as simple as watering the plants in the atrium some are more subtle. Like there is no one to complement me when the cars are washed and waxed. Sounds a bit unimportant, I know but I can’t tell you how often I feel the absence of that interchange. The teasing we always did when the sheets were washed and the bed fresh…the wrinkle free sheets still feel great but it is not at all the same with out anyone to share it with.

The other feeling is different. It arises from knowing that she is gone forever! That the youngest grandson will never really know her; he knows her name and her photographs but he won’t know the special things she would have done for him as he grew up. Knowing that our daughter has lost her best friend, the person she talked to every day.

Knowing that she needed me to take care of her sometimes, to encourage her and be grateful to her; now there is no one for me to love in the same easy comfortable way that we loved each other.

I miss her in so many ways…

I am still very busy at work and the pressure is mounting to complete more products. It is certainly good to be busy.

I seem to have drifted into a mode of missing Jo more often again. No idea why or if anything triggered it but I have been thinking about it more and about the last few weeks and days and hours. And I have dreamed about the day she died and about her illness several time recently. I hope this is still a part of the process, not sure though.

Jake was in town yesterday and we had dinner last night. Tonight I have an Elders meeting, tomorrow night, dinner with Rob and Lois. Then Friday I leave to the Air Races in Reno. All in all a busy week.

This week has raced by. Things are work are continuing to pick up and that is keeping me so busy that I am I don't have so much time to feel bad. This week the feelings are just missing Jo Lynn. Waking up in the morning alone, eating alone, not so much being lonesome but just missing her.

The friend that emailed last week called last night. He and I shared an office many years ago and we have stayed in touch and visited often over the years. Even since he moved to Indiana years ago we have stayed fairly well in touch. He was sad to hear about Jo's death and it was good to catch up with him. His wife has also had some health problems recently but he said she is ok now. I may try to visit him for weekend next spring.

This weekend the weather is expected to be cooler (80F rather than 100F as it has been last week and this) so I hope to get the battery replaced in Jo's car so the air conditioner can be repaired then I will sell the thing. I still want to buy an SUV to use for skiing this winter and I don't want to own and maintain three vehicles so the caddy must go.

Also, this weekend I will get thru another group of the photos if I can. Then on Sunday I am going to the INDY car race at Laguna Seca that should be fun.

Another weekend is past now. It was a long three days. The quick trip to Placerville and home on Saturday. Then entertaining myself for Sunday and Monday. I have begun the task of sorting through the boxes of photographs we have I want to at least label the sets of pictures with places, dates, and names where I can. I started out looking for some specific photographs where I have had enlargements made over the years. I want to scan them and add them to the electronic pictures but when I began to look at the several boxes I realized that I should at least do my best to label them for the kids.

Roger was over for dinner on Saturday, just steak and veggies. It turned out ok. I had to call Deanna to find out how to cook the saute'd squash. Yesterday I went to hear the music at the San Jose, tapestry and Talent Fair but it was so hot that it was uncomfortable. Then bought a battery for the Cad but didn't get it installed. Wrote an email to an old friend yesterday to tell him about Jo, the first of several similar ones I want to send over the next few weeks to let people know before they send Christmas cards.

At last another week is past. There were a couple of difficult periods but for the most part I am getting along ok. For some reason I have been sleeping poorly and waking often during the night. Sometimes I can fall right back asleep other times though my mind leaps to my loneliness or my sadness and I begin to miss Jo Lynn. It is then that I have much difficulty sleeping again. I read, watch TV, count backward, stare at the stars out of window, or just lay there being disgusted with my self. I think this will pass it has been several weeks since this happened the last time so I expect it to pass soon.

This is the Labor Day weekend and I will drive to Placerville in the morning to watch Scott's football game. I will come back home after lunch. I had planned to spend the three days with Deanna and family helping get their deck started. They had to call off the deck so I decided to cut my visit short since I was there last weekend too. I will do some chores and run errands. Sunday afternoon Roger will come over for a barbecue. I have a lot more old photographs I want to go through.

I have found some great shots of Jo with the grand kids and Jo with Deanna. Fewer good ones of Jo and I and none so far of her with Jake (son). I hope to find some not to old ones in the last few years of 35 mm pics that I don't have online. I intend to tell the Jake and Rich that they need to be sure that they get into the good photos too. I wish we had more with the males. I intend to take most of these pictures I am finding and put them into nice album to keep them nice and available but not out sitting on the mantle and tables as they are now. I think I have too many photos of Jo around right now. It will be better if they are slightly less prominent everywhere, still available but in the album.

I still miss my wife every day, very often but the pangs pass more quickly now. I still feel very emotional when I read a story about death of family or loved ones. Tears come easily, more than they did before, this week I talked to two friends who had escaped from Vietnam on boats the stories were like others; difficult times, some of their friends died, they were robbed etc.. I always admire the strength they had (have) but this time I couldn't hold back the tears. I am not sure why I wrote this but.....I did.

I'll close for now. Going to watch some news on Public TV, bring in the garbage cans, and just go on with life. Nothing else to do.