This is the start of what could be a difficult week for me. It was April 1 last year when Jo Lynn died. The month of March as been (already) difficult because I recall that last year I was with her each day in the hospital but this week will be worse.
Jake will be here on the first, we will play golf and attend a Giant’s game in SF. That evening Deanna and family will arrive so we will be together on Saturday. Jake leave Saturday afternoon and Deanna and family will be here through Sunday. I had a good weekend skiing and visiting with Deanna and the kids this past weekend. Skiing, hiking, and Easter.
Several things are working together now to keep the loss of Jo Lynn coming up for me. Obliviously, the first thing is that the one-year anniversary of her death is coming up in less than two weeks on April 1st. And last year during March she was in the hospital and I was there with her nearly all the time. I am planning for the weekend after Easter for the visit by Jake and Deanna (and family) so that we can be together on April 1st.
Even some more random things seem to come together to also remind me. On Saturday, I went to SF MOMA with some Photosig friends, after the museum we spent the day in SF. This was the first visit to MOMA and to SF with out Jo Lynn. I had a good time but it was also poignant because Jo and I had visited there so often and I have such fond memories of our time in “the city”.
My friend Carolyn Weber’s, mother was recently diagnosed with leukemia so she and Bob are dealing with that much as we had to deal with Jo Lynn’s suffering last year. And then even the news report trigger my sadness; the story of Terri Schiavo (the Florida woman whose coma and life support have become such a huge public and political cause) seems to trigger my sad feelings, even though there was nothing similar in Jo Lynn’s illness and death.
All of this together is bringing my feelings of loss to the surface. Something else is interesting too; it seems like my feelings and the loss come up in conversations more often now and I do a little bit better with that. I can talk about how I felt (feel), with out having to stop so often. I still have to choke back tears but I get through it better than before. Even talking about what and how I eat used to be so very difficult but now I can discuss it with our tears and even make (lame) jokes about my inept cooking. I find myself thinking about taking down some of the photographs of her that hang in the house. Maybe all of this means that I will start to feel more normal with a little more time.
Last Wednesday evening, Jo’s sponsor, Linda came to meet me after Lenten service to talk and (I think) to see how I was doing. It was nice to see her but it also kind of tripped me back to the feelings!
I have been so busy the recently with work and other things that I don’t have time for much. We are starting several new product projects and work and that is keeping me very busy and is even keeping from sleeping well some nights. This doesn’t often happen to be but it is now!
Other than work, Sunday afternoon Richard, Mary, and Roger were over to build a table for RAM’s apartment, last night Roger and Richard came over to finish the table. It was fun to do some word working again but now the garage is set up as a shop and it’s a mess. I won’t get to clean it up until Sunday, I imagine. When I clean up I hope to be able to reorganize a little at the same time.
Tonight (Tuesday) I have men’s club for dinner. Wednesday is the Soup Supper and Lenten Service. Thursday I am planning to attend a “singles group” set up by Thrivent (a Lutheran insurance company) the event is to be held at a Winery. I am not sure how I feel about going to this but it seemed the logical thing to do. I wonder if there will many folks in my age bracket there? Oh well. Then Friday night is PhotoSig and Saturday the PhotoSig trip to SFMOMA to look at a photography exhibit there.
I don’t work at staying so busy it just seems to happen! It’s OK but I could do with a little less I (sometimes) think.
The first year anniversary of Jo Lynn’s death on April 1 is pretty well set now. Jake will come Thursday (March 31) evening. He and I will play golf on Friday morning and then go to Giant’s/A’s game in the evening. Deanna and family will arrive late Friday. On Saturday morning we will go for nice breakfast and then all go the cemetery together. Jake flies out on Saturday afternoon and Deanna and the kids will stay until after church on Sunday. I am looking forward to having them all here even though the motivation is so sad.
For some reason I was swept by another wave of memories and feelings this morning about Jo Lynn, I have no idea why. Yesterday I gave her ski clothes to Amy at WhereNet. Last week I learned that she and her family are infrequent skiers and since Amy is petite I offered to bring the ski outfits. She was pleased to have them and I am happy that someone uses them. The only thing left are her almost new ski boots. Maybe I’ll sell them on Ebay!
I’ll signoff for now.
Last weekend was our “family ski trip”. This has been pretty much an annual trip for the last 10 years or so. This was the first year without Jo Lynn and that made it very different. For me it was a lot of fun, time with the kids and grandkids; wonderful snow and good skiing; and thinking how much Jo Lynn loved these trips. Jake and I talked a little bit about this on the way home on Sunday. He said that he feels like her spirit is there with us when we all get together. He has said that before but I am not sure what it means, I have not had similar feelings.
I used to think about the concept that she was here with us sometimes but I could not perceive anything that supported anything like this. I soon concluded that it was unlikely to be real based on several things. First, it seems like a bit of “friendly ghost story”, which requires a belief in fantasy that I don’t have. Second, my faith and my certainty of her faith assures me that she is in heaven, if the teachings about heaven are to be trusted we know that she has no cares, and must be happy in the presence of God in ways that I can’t understand; non the less, seeing me so lonely and sad would be troubling to her. For her to be troubled by this clearly contradicts the idea of being in heaven. (I considered the idea that she may see my stress but be able to see beyond it to some better time but that seems contrived and I rejected that idea.) Some of Jo Lynn’s close friends frequently tell me that they felt her spirit or her presence.
So even though we sometimes speak euphemistically that Jo Lynn is looking down and reacting to things around us, or that her spirit is with us, I am convinced that this is a manifestation of the memories and thoughts that occur when we in a situation that causes us to recall her. Because she was such a strong and guiding force in our lives we still feel (recall) the force and we somehow translate the feeling into the idea of presence.
I have felt my loss this week particularly strongly. We (all the family) were together last year on March 6, for my birthday then on the following Monday Jo Lynn checked into the hospital for the chemotherapy and of course, she died three weeks later without ever leaving the hospital. I expect this month to be difficult, as I seem destined to recall the details of the hospital treatment. The kids both plan to be here with me on April first so we will be together. I didn’t think of it, they did and I am glad for that. It is typical of the support they have given me during this past year. (I know that they also feel the strength from some mutual support that we all gain from this but I have almost no understanding for that part of the process. I nearly always feel that I receive support with no concept that I provide support to them.)
I had lunch yesterday with old business friend that I have seen once or twice a year for the last 15 years since we last worked together. She has converted to Judaism and she talked about how in the Jewish tradition deal with grieving. It reminded me that several years ago I heard Leonard Bernstein’s, Kaddish symphony and that after that I bought a CD of it. So last night I played it and found again that the prayer’s struggle with God is helpful to me as sometimes struggle with similar feelings.
I’ll close for now but I am still feeling more grief than I have felt for some time.
