Still another week has passed, and nothing particularly new to report. Yesterday at church two people asked how I was doing and I could truthfully report that for the most part I was doing well. I told Ray and Dottie how it feels when I am lonesome and that was biggest thing now. (I have described this lonesomeness here before). And Dee wanted to know “who was the woman I saw you with recently at church? Is she just a friend?” she asked. It took a minute to recall but she was asking about Ruth, my sister!
She told me that she had a friend she wanted to hook me up with when I was ready. I told her I didn’t know when that might be. I am not sure what she intends to do, if anything.
Yesterday was Jake & Jill’s anniversary. I didn’t forget but my reminder was not set to alert me until yesterday. So I sent an electronic card and called them. We also talked about the deck material that they plan to use around the spa and how it works.
Yesterday I also bought a shadow box and cloth. I got it ready to add the dress that both Deanna and Marissa were baptized in. It will look pretty good and Deanna is excited about getting it. It felt good to get it done.
I am still swamped at work and I need to be in Long Beach tomorrow on the drayman tag and to visit Trapac, and maybe Pier A. I am not looking forward to another day out of the office.
Another week is past. I have been so busy that I have little time to worry about personal issues. At work we have several projects that have ended up overlapped and finishing at the same time. That combined with the normal crisis load keeps me on my toes.
Last week Doug Wells came over to pick up Jo’ files from the AA Archives committee. It was good to visit with him again. He says the real estate market for homes is just about ready to slow down.
I prepared a picture of Jo Lynn in a small frame to send to Mary Beth for her birthday. She saw the one I sent to Ed on his b-day and she asked for one too. It was odd the emotion was less than I might have expected. I have started thinking of taking away some of the photographs of her that are all around the house. Maybe get down to two or so.
Yesterday I went to a gathering of vintage VWs at Kelly Park. Took a lot of photos and processed a couple last night. There may be one or two good ones in the group. I also ran this weekend but the allergies make it hard to do much over two miles! Yesterday afternoon I went for a 12-mile bike ride that went much better, I averages nearly 15 MPH. I hope to get my exercise program back to 12 mile/week soon and biking up to 25 to 30 miles/week.
My sister, Ruth was here this weekend from Seattle for a visit. It was great to have her and to spend time with her. She and have grown into very different people but we also share a lot of traits and opinions. Spending time with her, talking about our lives was very helpful to me. And I think she appreciated it too.
We drove to Deanna’s house on Saturday, afternoon and had dinner with all of her family. After we left them Ruth said, “they are such nice people”. I of course think that but it is so nice to hear that from someone else. It makes me proud that both Deanna and Jake have built such good lives and families.
Having her visit almost exactly one year after was last here, one week after Jo Lynn’s funeral was really helpful. However after she left yesterday, I seemed to feel the weight of being alone even more. Maybe because we talked about it and about Jo Lynn quite a lot or maybe because I had someone to talk for two days and that I haven’t had that for more than a year. Children and grandchildren, wonderful as they are, can’t be the same sounding board as Jo Lynn was or as my sister is. I do fine without such a person but I do miss it after having it for a couple of days. I also get to be a sounding board for my sister and I miss not experiencing that too.
I am sure these feelings will pass in a few days but for now they are there.
Last week was not as difficult as I feared but perhaps was more thoughtful. It was good that we all went to the grave together. I think Scott was the most affected and the one who experienced the most sadness. His reaction was obvious while we were there but even that seemed pass fairly soon after we left. We had lunch at a cheese steak restaurant that the kids like so that helped us all get past the experience.
More to the point for, me is a different phenomenon that I set myself up for. I somehow anticipated that the one-year anniversary would be the date when things changed. It isn’t. Nor is it rational to expect that anything would change on that day either more or less than any other day. In fact, I seem to be thinking about Jo more often than I did earlier. Perhaps because of the focus on the anniversary, and because of the publicity associated with the Terry Schiavo feeding tube issue. No matter the cause, it is still true that the loneliness, and my lack of understanding are often foremost in my thoughts. I have thoughts often that it is so strange that I would be alone without Jo Lynn. I just never ever thought that this would be the case. Even though she was in grave danger from the cancer and we knew from the beginning that the survival rate from esophageal cancer is only 15% to 25%. We talked about her death but I never thought (or understood) that I would be unprepared for the day-to-day consequences of living alone and of missing her all the time.
It seems like I should have more to say but for now nothing seems to come to me.
