I am feeling much better. I was busy all last week and for the most part was out of the funk I was in. I was busy I had dinner with Roger and Bob a week ago Sunday and Monday evening I had something else. Then I worked in the evenings getting pictures ready for “my wall” at the Photosig meeting on Friday.
It turned out that when I reviewed the photographs that Marissa had asked to be considered for inclusion on the wall that she had some very good shots and that she had enough good ones to make the wall complete with just her photos. So that’s what I did. The pictures were good; a couple of them were very good. Marissa was there and after a bit of a rough start she was composed and did a nice job of describing her shots. She interacted well with the adults and was very mature. I was very proud of her.
Yesterday the Santana’s and I attended the Giants/Mets game. It was a great day and the Giants won but our seats (3rd deck View Box off of left field) were a bit far for me.
This week was not too bad for feeling bad. Not sure why exactly but glad for it. I have several photographs around the house taken the weekend before Jo Lynn went into the hospital last year. Yesterday, I took one of them down to replace it with a new photograph (from Bean Hollow). I may take others down over the next few weeks.
I am thinking about Jo’s last day today!
A busy week; Will, Lisette, and Zane arrived Sunday night and left Wednesday. On Tuesday we drove to the coast and visited Bean Hollow and Pebble Beaches. Took a fair number of pictures and had a generally good time. Will and Lisette prepared a steak dinner after we got home. It was good have them and to get to know them a bit. I very much enjoyed them.
Then on Wednesday, Roger came over for pizza and I told him that John M had suggested to Dan D that Roger might make a good Vpof engineering at WN. He is flattered and somewhat interested. I will have dinner with him tonight at his house he was thinking about it.
Saturday, morning I met Alisa and Jim Bushe at a park to take photographs of Ben. Some of them came out pretty good I think. They took them home on the CF card. I hope they like them. In the afternoon, Deanna et al arrived.
They were here to have party and barbeque for Scott’s birthday. They took care of everything, pretty much and we had tri-tips for 14 people, all Rich’s family. Kind of rowdy crowd, some of them I like and others, not so much. But all in all a pretty good time, and Scott was very pleased. They left at 5: 00 AM so that Marissa could sing in church this morning. I didn’t wake up to see them off but a little later the phone started ringing but no one talked when I answered! It was Deanna’s phone getting sat on! After answering it four times I called her and she moved it but I was up and awake.
You would think that with all this I would be ok but I woke thinking about Jo’s last day and how she was that morning when I arrived at the hospital and she was spitting up blood! And so on… I can’t get it out of my mind now. It has me paralyzed again! I tried a run, a nap, TV, nothing seems to work.
I have been busy this weekend. Finally worked on some things that have been left undone since Jo Lynn got sick! My house has a small atrium between the dining room and the kitchen. We always keep if decorated with plants, both green and flowering. It is easy to do since the atrium is protected from the wind and cold. And even the summer sun only penetrates for short time. Anyway all the plants were dead! I hadn’t watered since Jo Lynn went into the hospital! I didn’t let it die to protest or anything dramatic like that; I was just uninterested. So it became a “stick garden” my son observed last week!
So with company coming and having grown tired of looking at the dead plants I decided to resurrect it yesterday. I drug out the old plants and dumped them. Went to the nursery and bought several kinds of blooming flowers, lots of planting soil, and I spent all afternoon cleaning the atrium and planting it anew. Today I brought home a small spruce tree that will fill the corner space and planted it too. I am pleased with it and this morning the humming birds returned to treat themselves to the nectar. It is very satisfying to look at it now. Not a big thing I know but it seems important to me.
But of course…I looked at the newly fresh plantings and recalled that Jo Lynn and I used to work together to do these kinds of chores.
The outdoor landscaping is also pretty poorly tended, just the gardener who come to mow and trim. Some plants are old and scraggly; some died from frost last winter and need to be replaced; and the roses haven’t been tended for two summers. I think I will try to get to the worst of it this fall. I know I will appreciate it once it is done.
This evening my step nephew and his family will arrive to spend a couple of days with me. They are very nice people and I look forward to their visit and spending some time with them. Will is part time professional photographer so I enjoy talking to him and learning what projects he is doing.
I’ll close this off for now and go eat some dinner.
I am feeling better now than last weekend. I have had dinner with friends the last two days and that is nice. Yesterday evening Bunny and Linda came over with Bunny’s daughter, Kayla JoLynn. Kayla is one year old and was named after Jo. I got pizza and we ate in the local park. It was nice of them to come by and to catch up with them.
Deanna and family have delayed the visit planned for this weekend until next weekend. So I plan to do chores and work on some photos that I will need for the PhotoSig on 8/26. Maybe clear the dead plants out of the atrium (it will make a big improvement in the appearance of the dining room). Jake called my atrium a stick garden when he was here!
I am still contemplating putting away some photographs of Jo that are in the house. I may do that tomorrow as well. This step seems much more difficult to get started on than it should be!
I feel a little better than I did on Sunday. Still pretty stressed but better, last night I slept better than I had been. Work remains tense as we fight tight deadlines and difficult technical problems.
Deanna et al plan to come down on Saturday, for a while, they will pick up the material her church lent my church for VBS. She will also take the computer I have for them and a shadow box I built to hold the dress (and stuff) that Deanna and Marissa wore for their baptisms. She will help me finish it by arranging and pinning the dress and stuff. I am pleased with the way the project turned out.
I have more outings this week. Tomorrow night I will be at the Weber’s for dinner and I am giving them the extra Giant’s tickets for the August 28th. I have other seats for Deanna and family so my regular seats are free. I need to find someone to go with me for the game on Monday 8/22. Not sure who I will ask.
I think I will go out for a walk and see if that will help me relax…I did go for walk, about five miles. Feel a little better now.
This morning I wondered if I was really as unhappy and sad as I thought I was…so I went back a read the first 10 entries I made on this blog in May of 2004! After reading them there is no doubt that I am not in that condition now, not even close. It was hard to read them because it made me recall the very difficult months right after she died but at the same time the rereading improved my perspective. I don’t feel quite a sorry for myself as I did.
It's been about two weeks since I wrote anything to this blog. It has been a fairly busy time for me but also very emotional. Often in mind of Jo Lynn.
I had Scott (12 year old grandson) for several days. He is a great guy, quite, and a bit stoic. But he was very affected by Jo Lynn's death. He mentions her often and it is clear that he misses her in a very personal way. He doesn't talk about it but I suspect he still feels the loss. Scott and I went to San Jose Grand Prix together and generally had a great time the few days he was here with me.
Then Marissa (15 year old grand daughter) was here last week. She helped the Vacation Bible School at my church in the mornings and in the evenings we ate dinner and visited. Marissa is remarkable young woman, bright and mature for her age. She is very outgoing, even vivacious. She had the afternoons alone so the young women whom she worked with at VBS invited her to have lunch and swim with them. They were very kind to her and she was pleased to be with them. She enjoyed helping them care for their small children and I am sure the moms liked having someone to help them.
A nice thing that happened (though it will take a while to tell) was very moving. For the last several years before she died, Jo Lynn made a practice of crocheting beautiful receiving blankets for women when a new baby was expected. These blankets were very very nice and she made them for all the women in the church and many of her friends too. Three of the young women Marissa was with had received them. One of them. Lisa, has the last blanket Jo had completed (there was another one partially complete when Jo died and Deanna finished it for Jo's friend Bunny) when she was pretty sick. Giving it to Lisa was pretty emotional when Jo gave it to her. Anyway, the young women talked about the blankets and asked Marissa if sh had one of Jo's blankets for her children. When they learned that she hadn't, they offered that when she needed a blanket they would be willing to give her theirs. I thought that was so thoughtful and kind. It makes weepy even now as I write this! I guess I should always remember how much Jo was loved by so many people.
Her friend Bunny (above) named her little girl Kayla JoLynn, after my Jo Lynn. Kayla JoLynn was one year old recently and Bunny sent me a photo. She is bringing the baby by later this week for a visit.
I have been thinking a lot about Jo Lynn these last two weeks. I am in a cycle of thinking about her. I find myself sometimes almost unable to believe she died. It just seems so wrong and so unbelievable. I am not delusional of course, but nonetheless it is an odd feeling even though I can't really describe it. I still have a lot of photographs of her in the house and I have started to think about removing some of them but I never get beyond the thinking stage. I wonder if it would be better if I did put most of them away but my inertia is greater than the power to change, so I haven't done anything about it yet. I think I will move some of them pretty soon though!
Back the visitors. Marissa's 15th birthday occurred while she was here last week, on Tuesday. I took her to dinner at Elements, her favorite restaurant, then on Wednesday, a Giants game (they lost), and then later a shopping Macy'sat Macys to buy her some school clothes. She was very grown up through it all.
Marissa left on Friday and then later Friday, Jake, Jill, and Max flew in. We went to the SF Giants again (they won 3 - 0 over the Astros). We spent the weekend together and had a good visit. They left today to fly home to San Diego. Max is a powerful bundle of energy. He keeps his folks on the chase all the time, but he much fun and is developing a personality that is playful and pleasing.
I think I will drive over to the cemetery yet tonight. It is starting to cool off and it seems like something I should do so I will close for now.
Three hours later...
I went to the cemetery but it didn't help me feel better; I thought I would be able to sit at the grave and feel better somehow; it didn't happen. I was not able to cry, although I felt like I needed to and I was not able to calm myself there. On the drive over I felt like I would feel better but that did not happen. I left just as unsettled and unhappy as I was before I went, not worse but the same.
Since I have been home I am even thinking about her cancer and her horrible treatments. I even imagined that I have the same disease and how I would hate the treatment and surgery! This is not something I have experienced before. I have no idea why this is coming on now, over 16 months after Jo Lynn died. It doesn't seem to make sense at all.
It is time to go to bed but I am not tired and I don't think I will sleep very well tonight. And I don't think I can do anything else productive because I can't clear my mind of these thoughts.
