Building a new relationship after my wife's death.

The romance continues…

Joyce came home from Denver on Wednesday, evening, I picked her up. We were so happy to see each other again after only five days apart. It was amazing. I stayed with her that night although we got almost no sleep! I was so tired on Thursday, that I couldn’t work a full day.

We have a busy weekend planned, last night she prepared dinner for her kids and their girl friends so that they could meet me and me them. Dinner was very good and I like both her boys and the girls. Rolland, and Leigh Ann, Carmine and Sarah ( I knew Sarah slightly from Alisa’s party). They are all fun and very nice people as I expected; with such a mom what else!

Tonight, Friday, Joyce and I are going to Alisa’s for dinner with she and Jim. Joyce and Alisa need to exchange tickets for the Forty Niners games and she invited us both. Then Saturday, night we have the dinner and the symphony, and Sunday, the Forty Niners. But more importantly we will spend more time together, we plan to stay together and we look forward to being together when I don’t have to get up early for work or to catch an airplane.

Another important milestone this week was my daughter’s acceptance. Deanna has been involved with buying and selling their house and getting ready to do that. So when I told her about Joyce she accepted it but didn’t feel really good about it. But now she has asked about her and us and seemed very interested and supportive. She even called last night late to see how the dinner went and says she is anxious to meet her. Although it doesn’t change the course the relationship it is still important.

Joyce and I continue to happily move forward.

Last Friday we went to a musical, Little Women. We went to dinner on Thursday, last week and then to the play on Friday. Before the play we stopped by Richard and Mary’s so that Joyce could see “the Wall” and my photos, and so that I could show Joyce off to Mary and Richard. We had a nice visit and I ask Richard to take a photo of us before we left. The photo is great of Joyce, not so great of me!

We had great dinner and the play was good. I stayed with her for an hour or so but I had to go home because I had an early flight to San Diego. I realized that I could have packed everything the night before, taken it with me and spent the night but my idea was a day late. Joyce left on Saturday, afternoon to visit her friends in Colorado, she will be back Wednesday, night. I will pick her up at the airport.

We have talked by phone everyday (twice most days) and we agree that we miss one another. The weekend upcoming we will have time to spend together. I pick her up on Wed; we have dinner on Thursday, with her kids, dinner Friday with Alisa and Jim, the symphony and dinner on Saturday, and the Forty-niners’ game on Sunday. I am looking forward to spending some blocks of time with her (she has said the same thing). The weekend after that I will be in Albion trying to deal with my Mother. YUK…

While I am very happy with the way our relationship is going and I enjoy being with Joyce every time I see her I still worry about it because I feel somewhat out of control. I have no trouble with my decision to go with it but I stall out when I consider what that means in future. Do we want to date regularly – move in together – marry???? Not sure how we could make that decision. For the present and the near term though I hope to just stay on the rails as we grow closer and let our relationship deepen. And that is what is happening; happening quickly. I have accelerated it by asking her to visit my sister with me for New Years, and she has accelerated it too by inviting her mom for Christmas and having me as part of her Thanksgiving celebrations. It’s all good, and it is also frightening.

All that said. We were out Friday night and I we won’t see each other again until late tomorrow night. I do miss her and when we talk on the phone it boosts me up big time. It makes me feel good when she tells me how she feels. This morning she said she “crazy about me”, what an ego boost! We closed by saying “I love you” to each other (I was first). Bottom line, I am happy and I think Joyce is just about the perfect match for me but my conservative nature is a little worriedJ.

Another week of courting Joyce.

Since the middle of last week things have progressed still further between Joyce and I. We had dinner at her house on Thursday, evening and it was great as it has been each time we are together. We continue to communicate easily and seemingly with frankness.

I am (I think) the one holding back the pace of the relationship. Although it is still moving awfully fast. I am unsure of the next steps.

I picked Joyce up for her flight on Saturday, morning and I enjoyed the short ride to the airport. She held my hand as we drove and I kissed her and watched her walk away. It was nice a romantic. She was in LA for wedding and she called me yesterday morning. She had a good time and she was asking about the races. We made a date for dinner at her house again tonight. I suggested we go out but she insisted that she wanted to fix salmon on the grill.

I went to Macys for some shirts on Sunday and I stopped by the jewelry counter and picked out some inexpensive earrings with aquamarine stones. (March is her birthday too). Turns out she was 58 last March.

It is so surprising to me that I am so taken by her. We have known each other for just three weeks and it seems like much longer to me. Since I have no experience in this area I wonder if I am being dumb. I can’t tell but I am certainly taken with her and I enjoy her company very much.

Other matters. I have been thinking about changing churches for the last year of so. Yesterday I decided to go ahead with a search. I continue to struggle with the conservative bent that Pastor Weller is driving. And although I like him personally it becomes difficult for me to be at odds with him on some things. The thing that helped make up my mind though was when I was sitting in church yesterday and I realized that thoughts of Jo Lynn came rushing. The statue and other things just have her in them so much that it is not possible for me move on when I am there. [I have written before about church being the most difficult time for me but yesterday I concluded that I must change that.] The next three Sundays are out of towns anyway so nothing can happen on this until mid November anyway.

Deanna and Rich have decided to buy a house in town and sell their place. They made an offer yesterday and will be listing their house as soon as it is cleaned up for showing. She says two weeks. I hope this works out for them it sounds like they have thought it through pretty well.

I will out of town part of this week and then Joyce and I will be going to a play on Friday. I will be at Jake’s on the weekend.

The relationship.

Joyce and I had such a great dinner last Wednesday that I defiantly wanted to see her again. As I wrote last Friday morning it was dodgy due to schedules and I thought that was probably ok. However, later on Friday morning she called but she missed my call back, I was busy and it took a while to call her back because I was very busy that morning. I finally listened to her message and learned that she was on her way to Tahoe and she was inviting me to stop by her house on Sunday after I dropped the kids off at the airport. Her call and invitation made me feel good.

I called her back (and after another set of cell phone collisions) we spoke. I accepted her invitation for Sunday evening. I felt great all day as result of her call. So odd!

I had a great time with Jake and Max. On Saturday, we went geo-caching in the Quick Silver Park we found four caches and had great time. Max enjoyed running around on the trails. Even having his arm in a cast didn’t seem to slow him down much. [He gets his cast of today, I think]. On Sunday, we went to Scott’s football game in San Andreas. His team lost badly but Scott played a little on defense and he did well, being part of three tackles. It was the best I had seen him play.

Saturday night had been Marissa’s Home Coming dance and her first date. She had been so excited about it but when I asked her about it her response was ambivalent [Joyce just called to say hi – so nice] at best. She said, “the dance was fun but later he [her date] got weird!” I didn’t ask her what that meant but that night on the phone Deanna told me that the problem was her date some of his football player friends were talking about a kegger and that upset Marissa so she called her folks and asked to be picked up! Deanna thinks that perhaps the problem was partly that Marissa was less ready for dating than she thought she was. Apparently she was bothered by the fact that her friends bored him and she didn’t like his friends so they didn’t know who to hang out with. Anyway it was less than she expected.

After the football game we ate dinner together but it was quick because Jake, Max and I had to rush to the Airport. I dropped them off just less than one hour before their flight so our timing had worked out fine. I was also in a hurry because I was eager to see Joyce so I took off quickly. A few minutes later Jake called to say that the plane was delayed an hour so our rush was unnecessary! It was to bad that they were stuck at the airport for two hours but I was secretly happy that we hadn’t known about the delay because I wanted to see Joyce and I would not have been so happy about hanging with Max and Jake for another hour.

When I got to Joyce’s house she was reading and we started talking again. It was like the other times the words just flow she was interesting and I said more than I usually do. I told her about many things in my life and my past. It is just so easy with her; at least it is easy when I am with her. After some time talking I took her hand then soon I leaned in to give her a kiss! But this time the kiss was not a short on but a long French kiss! It was so nice! Joyce said; “I wondered when you were going to kiss me!” I didn’t tell her that I thought we were kissing before! [I feel like I am in a movie that I have seen before but can’t quite recall the details]. Anyway we kissed and talked for two or three hours. She made it clear to me that she is very interested in a relationship with me and I of course feel the same way about her. She even invited me to stay the night but I declined…why, I don’t really know but I did.

We talked about the coming week, we are both busy and she will be in Southern CA on the weekend so we made a dinner date at her house for Thursday. We kissed, necked really, a lot and she felt so good in my arms. She asked me; “if you haven’t dated at all how do you know that you want to date me and not other people”. I didn’t answer very well because although I had thought about it I couldn’t articulate my feelings very well. She, as always, answered the same question very easily by saying she “just knew it from the first time she met me”. My answer could have been the same but I couldn’t figure out how to say it!

So I went home and we talked by phone on Monday night, she had left me a very nice message and we talked just before she left for Monterey to visit her friend for golf. Then she called again just a few minutes ago (at 6:55 AM) just to say that she was thinking of me. I have to say that she is very thoughtful and is willing to put effort into making a relationship with me. I hope that I can be as good at it as she is.

I am still troubled by the rate at which this seems to be advancing. Faster by far than I had expected. Perhaps going faster and deeper than I had even planned. I think about that sometimes but when I think about her or talk to her I never think about slowing down. We have even talked of events three months out and she has said she thinks about me being with her at weddings and functions.

I feel flattered and excited; scared and worried too but bottom line I have found a woman that is interested in me and I am very interested in her and we have fun together. I don’t think it could be much better at this point.

The dinner date.

I called Joyce on Monday and we made a date for dinner at Elements for Wednesday evening. I was very happy and looked forward to seeing her again. By noon on Wednesday I was very anxious again. [I now have thought more about this feeling and I believe it to be a combination of excitement and fear. Excitement because I am in fact very excited about knowing Joyce and hopeful that overtime we both grow to care very much for each other. And fear because I worry that I don’t have the skills to make it work having never been in a relationship like this! Further, even though this feeling is very intense at times it disappears as soon as I am with her and is replaced by feelings of calm and the easy conversation.

On the way home from the office on Wednesday I did call Ruth to talk to her about Joyce and asked her for suggestions as to how to approach my inexperience. Ruth laughed at my uncertainty and recalled her own adult dating experiences. In the end I decide that I would tell Joyce that I not dated (I thought she probably had figured that out) and my concern that I was kind of a bumbler in the dating and romance area.

We met for dinner and I had the best time. We talked a long time before we even read the menu and then we talked after the meal and finally we drove up to my house and we continued talking until 10:30. It was the most enjoyable four and one-half hours I can recall. We talked about lots of things about our lives and our thoughts.

Through the evening I told her that I had not dated like this ever and that I had only recently started to consider that I might be ready to meet someone and begin dating. And then I met her! She said that she had, in the spring, decided to look for someone to date based on meeting him through her friends and that she considered not going to Alisa’s party but she did. And she was glad. She told me that she thinks I am easy to talk to (making me feel good) and she enjoys me to.

After the discussions I feel like Joyce and I almost certainly will become good friends and it that was what it came to I would value her friendship very much. She is smart, interesting, dynamic and very pretty and she fun to be with. Even more I think there is a fair chance that we can become more than friends. I don’t really have any particular expectation but a general feeling that I would like that very much. Although both of us left this unstated I imagine that we share similar thoughts.

I have urges to spend more time with her but between my schedule and hers that is not realistic and probably not a good idea anyway. I was attracted to her in large measure because she has a busy and active life and was not looking for someone to take care of her or to take over her life. And the converse is also true, I think I want her in my life but I don’t want to make her (or anyone else) the focus of my life right now. So I think (hope) we will be able to carve our a fair bit of time to be together and then see where it take us.

All in all I am very pleased with the possibilities.

Monday after the date…

I was on pins and needles all day, for now reason but I was. Alisa was in the office today and she said that she had talked to Joyce but other than saying the game was fun there was no other report. I don’t know if she had no report or if she didn’t say. I thought about asking her but it seemed unfair to her. So I didn’t. I wanted to call Joyce but I held off all day. I called around five when I got home. I had decided to invite her to dinner at Elements for either Tuesday, or Wednesday.

The call was fine once I made it. She asked about the football and she told me that she worked on her tile project at her condo. We talked about the restaurant and agreed to meet there on Wednesday at 6:00 PM. I will make a reservation.

She invited me to see a play with her on the 19th of October. The play is “Little Women”, a musical based on the Alcott novel. It is an Off Broadway show so it should be good. She mentioned that she had season tickets to the AMT series.

This means that we will go to the game, dinner, Little Women, and the Symphony in one month. Probably more intense than I should be doing?

I didn’t call my sister. I decided that I should just talk to Joyce and get to know her better and let nature take its course. She seems certainly knows her mind and her needs and I should be able to figure out what I want too.
After talking to her I was impressed again by her poise and straightforward manner. I only need to get myself to the same point she is.

I went on my first date this weekend. My first date since before I was married more than 40 years ago. I am not very suave but I was still surprised at how un-suave I was/am.

So here is the story. On Saturday of last week I went to an open house a Alisa and Jim's house. I was nervous but I thought since I would know a few of the people it would be ok. But when I had been there only a few minutes I a woman came and introduced her self to me. Her name was Joyce and she talked about her visits to Greece and Italy, her family and other things she was outgoing and very easy to talk to. She is near my age and single and very pretty. I enjoyed talking to her. She seemed smart and open, very self sufficient and independent. I thought she was so much of what I thought about in a partner. For the first time here was someone who seemed to open to getting to know me better and was such a good (I thought) fit. I was very impressed by her. It turned out that she is a family friend of Alisa and Alisa's folks (who I also met and liked at the party).

Joyce and I talked for a long time together then other people came by and I went to talk to some of other people and later I rejoined the group with Joyce. When I left I wanted to ask her if I could call but I didn't. I regretted it later but I felt that I didn't know how to do that; I made excuses and finally gave up.

On Monday, I was talking to Roger at lunch we talked about our how Mary M and others, like her, can pull people together and create friendships so easily. And we both agreed that we didn't have such skills. To illustrate the point I told Roger that story about meeting Joyce. Roger related a very similar story about himself. I told him that was considering talking to Alisa to make contact with Joyce but allowed that I would probably not do it. I left lunch knowing that I would probably do nothing about Joyce but figuring that leaving it alone was the easiest course of action. I thought about it but I didn't really want to move to take the risk. I thought that was the end of it.

The next thing I knew by Tuesday I still hadn't lined anyone up to go the to Giants game on Friday. On Tuesday it was possible that the Friday game could bring the Giants into a tie with Padres for the NLW title. I had a cancel and the two other guys I called couldn't go. I scanned through my contacts and then I came to Alisa's name. I didn't decide but I thought about it. On Tuesday, when Alisa came into the office I told her that I would like to make contact with Joyce but that I hadn't known how to ask for her phone number on Saturday. Alisa understood and agreed to check with Joyce and if OK then give me the phone number. Alisa and I joked about awkward I felt.

Early in the evening Alisa sent an email that said; I spoke to Joyce and she is looking forward to your call. Her number is 999-999-9999. I was thrilled but terrified too. After I thought about I realized that I had to call now because Alisa had gone to the effort to set it up and since I had a positive response I assumed Alisa must have vouched for me too. I thought it would be rude to put her all that trouble and then not follow up. It still took me some time to get to it and when I did she didn't answer! I left a message that probably rambled but I did get out an invitation to the game. She called back not long after and in her easy way she said that game sounded good and we made the date. I would call her Friday to confirm and then pick her up about five.

I was so nervous. I couldn't even sit still. I decided that I should call Deanna before any time passed because I knew that she might have some difficulty with my dating. I called and we talked. Deanna said that she knew this would come and that even though it was weird she was ok with it. I told her that it also felt weird to me and that I was so awkward. I felt much better then. Later I called Jake and he was fine with it, not upset at all. Deanna called back later and said that she had talked to the kids and they were both fine with it too. Scott wanted to know the ladies name and Marissa said that she prayed each time she left here that I wouldn't be lonely so this was probably a good thing she thought. Deanna said she was still ok and that Rich was ok too. I felt much better but was still on pins and needles all week.

I was busy and the week flew by. On Friday I left the office about three and went home. I wanted the car washed and I wanted to change and be at Joyce's on time for the game. On the way home Alisa called to tell me that Ben was all dressed up in his Giant's gear and was ready to go to the game with me! I joked that he could fit in my backpack. It was a nice call and I took it as a call of encouragement, perhaps a misread but maybe not.

I picked Joyce up just on time and she was ready. She looked very nice in a purple top and she didnÂ’t want to put on her sweater until was cooler. I was even more affected by her than I expected! We talked easily all the way to the stadium. Her conversation and wit made me feel like we had been old friends but my emotions were stronger than for a friend. She was a fascinating balance between friendly and flirty; so nice.

By Friday, the day of the game the Padres had won the division, the Giants were out of it so the game didn’t really matter. We had tried to have dinner before the game but the restaurant was too busy so we took our seats and then got the rice bowls that I usually get. It was good and we talked while the game was getting started. As the game started she sat close to me and when touched me frequently. I liked it but didn't know how to respond, because I didn't know if she was just being friendly and sitting close for warmth so I didn't want to offend her. Later when it was cooler she took my arm and held it to her it was wonderful but I was so dumb I still didn't respond very well, I was not sure what to do. Later we did hold hands and was we walked out we had our arms around one another.

When we got home she kind of half-heartedly invited me to come in, by ending the sentence; or would you rather just go home. I did just go home. But we kissed twice in the car; nice but chaste kisses but still warm and more than friendship kisses. I was tired but I was excited. I could hardly sleep even though I was tired.

I had asked her to the symphony on October 29 and suggested a dinner midweek coming up and she agreed to both pending checking her calendar for the 29th. On Saturday, I slept late, until about seven. I was still wound up after the date! [I said it; date!]

I wanted to call her all morning but I didn't want to seem to eager or like a stalker. I was unsure what it all meant. I was thrilled that we were attracted to each other but still I thought maybe I was being naive and that she was just that friendly to be nice. Or something! I decided to drive to Placerville to see Scott's game that would keep me out of temptation to call her I thought. And I would be able to see if Deanna was OK. When I was pulling on the expressway I noticed Joyce's sunglasses in the car. She had taken them off and left them on the console. I was so happy, now I had an excuse to call. I called her and told her that I would drive by to drop them off. She told me it was ok but I insisted. And I took them to her house (it near mine).

When I got there she apologized but I told her I was glad she left them. We talked for just short time because I had to get going to the game but she confirmed that the 29th was open for the symphony. So we left that we make detail plan for dinner later. I asked if she would like to have dinner later this week and she said yes. So I will call her and try for Wednesday.

I had time to think about this driving yesterday and I realized that one problem was that I didn't know what I wanted to have happen. I want to spend time with her because she is so great and loved being with her. I want very much, to feel that affection and give the affection back, and just enjoy being with her. But I was worried that since her life is so busy she would feel I was intruding if I pushed my way in after such a sort time!

And, did I want to be so much involved? I have just begun to learn to live alone and have just started to seek out more friends. I got home last night still unsure but feeling that I want to forge a relationship with Joyce. This morning I went to church, which involves my driving near her house. I was wreck during church, even left my cell phone on part of the time just in case she called, I thought. There was nothing to make me expect the call but I was hoping! I came home and went for a run. Running sometimes helps me focus and it did that today too.

I made a list of things to say, do or think about:

- Is my imagination just running wild and she thinks I am nice guy but thatÂ’s all?
o Maybe, but I don't think so and I will operate under the assumption that she is interested in knowing me better.
o If after we get to know one another better it can turn into friends then I will have made a new and very cool friend.
- I am nervous but I like her very much.
o I fear that ardor may be too much for her
o I fear that my going too slow may push her away too
o I fear that she may have greater expectations to the relationship than I do
o I fear that she may have lower expectations than I do
- I would like to have long-term relationship with her. I don't know what forms that might take, good friend, lover, or even marriage (someday)?
o I don't rule out any of them
o I have no idea what she wants (and I imagine that she thinks even thinking about it is not to bright).
o It is too soon to answer such questions
- I need to consider that I may be so unsure of myself that I can't make good judgments. I don't want to reject her from fear nor lead her to something that is not a good idea for me.
o Remember that I am in unfamiliar territory
- I still need to consider Deanna and the kids' feelings. (I am not sure why but this seems important to me.)
- Joyce must know my situation to be fair.
o This is my first romantic encounter since Jo Lynn
o I am uncertain how to behave
o I am thrilled and feel like a teenager
o I am worried that I don't know what either of us want or should expect
- I should discuss this with her openly.
o If I don't then the relationship will be doomed to failure anyway because of not being open and truthful
o She is a very together woman who is surely prepared to talk about this too


So, I have decided that it was clear that she wanted a relationship with me that was more than friends. And that if I donÂ’t acknowledge that I may hurt her feelings, I also should tell her that I am a rookie, she is first woman I have dated since meeting Jo Lynn in college! I want to have a relationship with her too and I will find a way to do that this week.

I also think that I should talk to a woman about this. My sister is the best person. She will be helpful I am sure.