Building a new relationship after my wife's death.

Another year has elapsed since my last post (9 months anyway). I just noticed that “bereft” had left a comment. So I thought to make a brief entry to update the blog.
We are still very happy, the new house we built is complete, we moved in last summer and I left my job so that I would have time to finish up the details. We worked from August until mid January getting trim and details done. And on decorating (Joyce mostly) and that is nearly done, the remaining furniture will be delivered by next week at that point all the rooms will be furnished and we can reduce the amount of time we spend on decorating.
We have been through a number of family events in the 2 ½ years we have been married deaths, weddings, getting to know each others families, and more. We have managed to grow closer as we moved through them. One recent event was the death of my new wife’s mother’s elderly husband in NYC. We are now working to help my mother-in-law deal with the details and will end up with her moving to our area. (Not moving in with us, rather living near us in some sort of an senior, independent living facility). We are working through these issues together.
On the other side; my grand-daughter is going to college and she is nearer to us than to her folks. Joyce has helped her and befriended her. Not trying to be a new grand mother but rather being a friend but also a family member. It has built into a very good relationship.
I cite these only to illustrate that we have integrated out lives and to a very great extent our families such that we have constructed a marriage that seems more mature than I would have thought possible at this point. In my case after a bit of time I was able to develop a new relationship and form a new marriage, just a strong and yet very different from my first. Today I don’t recall my first wife with grief but rather as fond memory from the past. Much like we recall our childhood, good to remember but without a real desire to relive it.
Bottom line; we are happy together and we share our lives easily, through sad and difficult times and in happy times we remain happy and we continue to grow closer.

Wow! It’s more than two years since I posted! I will try to bring this blog up to date.

Well Joyce and I were married in August of 2006 and we remain very happy together. We have worked out most of the issues that mentioned before and today things seem very natural and comfortable to me (for the most part anyway). We both remark on how lucky we are that we met and I continue to be amazed at how much I love her and how much she loves me. It is truly a blessing.

Just to update some details.

We did get married, as I said. We had great wedding, in a garden in Campbell Ca, (at the Campbell House). We had 165 friends and relatives from all over the US. It was great. We have been remembering some of the planning recently as we watch Joyce’s younger son and his fiancé plan their wedding for this June. I’m glad it’s not me this time.

We also built the new house. We began dismantling the old house on Memorial Day last year (2007) and the house is now about 80% complete. We worked with an architect to design a 2600 ft2 home on a single floor. Then we undertook the project as our own general contractor. It has been great fun and we learned a lot too. Met some great people and met some jerks as well. Bottom though we love the house and we are eager to finish it and move in. And we have enjoyed the process. Joyce did the bulk of the work since I had to work and she is off except for tax season. She has done a very good job.

The project has been delayed some this spring because Joyce was locked up for tax season. We managed to get her office set up in the new house so between the need to keep the disruption level low and her being tied up not much happened for a few months. But now things are ramping up again. We have just ordered the hard wood floors, the shower glass, and mirrors. We hope to have the landscaping started in about two weeks. We hope to move in sometime in July.

Some might be interested that we donated the old building to charity. We worked with “Whole House Building Supply & Salvage” (http://www.driftwoodsalvage.com/). This group helped us figure out the (fairly complex) process. The advantages of recycling most of the material combined with tax deduction made the extra effort worth it. If you have a house in the SF Bay area to demolish you should contact them for information.

The life style question is more complex; we have both adapted quite well so far and we continue to work together to sort it day by day and week by week. It doesn’t require effort so much, rather thinking and talking over what we want to do.

Finally, we have a nice weekend planned. This afternoon I will take off from work and do some stuff on the house, tonight we have our regular seats for the San Jose Sharks / Dallas game (round 2 of the NHL playoffs). Then tomorrow we will go to San Francisco for a weekend get-away. This is a post-tax-season event for us.

And finally, I can say that I survived the death of a long term and loving spouse, I have found new relationship that is every bit as good as the one I lost. It is very different in many ways it reflects the age we are while starting this marriage but it is very very good. It has made me very happy.

It is a long time since my last posts. The wedding plans are still moving forward on track pretty much. The site is reserved and the caterer selected. This past weekend Joyce and I met Bill (friend and Jeweler) in Pebble Beach, at Marilyn’s house to attend the ATT golf tourney. Bill brought two diamonds and we selected one. At last!

The candidates were 1.84c (H, SI1) and 2.01(H, SI2) carets, both were nice stones but the 1.84c was a little brighter (we thought) so she selected that. The ring that Bill hade made looked a little narrow for the stone so he will make a new on 5mm wide. He thought it would be ready this week. We were excited all day after finally getting that part settled.

There remain some things to be worked out that may be difficult but manageable. The first is the irrevocable by-pass trust that I have; second is the choice of houses; and finally the merging and changing of our life styles.

The trust problem is just a matter of selecting the correct strategy to manage the assets and assuring that we can assess the money with out creating a large liability if Joyce outlives me. We will meet sometime later this spring with a financial guy to discuss this issue. The worst case will probably be that we will need to create a complex prenuptial agreement that will limit and define the community property transfers. The prenuptial is expensive and annoying but otherwise probably otherwise ok.

The house situation is more difficult and may end up being much more expensive. The problem is we have two similar homes now. Joyce preferred staying in her house originally, and I agreed but after thinking about it and discussing it we now think that may not work. I want some of my things and she has her house fully furnished and decorated, no room really for my much simpler things. Her house is very feminine and she likes it that way, I think. Anyway now we are considering building a new larger house on her lot! The new place would be larger and easier to fit the two of us in. We are still thinking and will start planning when we get a little more information.

The “life style” issue is still more complex I think. This comes from our differing views of what being married means. We agree that the marriage means that the spouse is the most important person in our lives but we don’t have the same concept of what that really means. I was married for 40 years and over time I developed a habit of being with my wife nearly all the time and doing most things with her (although I may remember it differently than the really was!) and Joyce was single for many years and has developed a very outgoing life and has many friends. She is used to doing things with them without needing to consider anyone else. For example she pretty much told me that during tax time when she is very busy she would have no time for much social life or other activities. I planned around that and assumed that would be ok. However she continued to do other things with her friends but when it came to time with me she asked me to stay away more. I took that to mean that she was giving her friends more priority than she gave me. We talked about and although the results are not visible yet I think we agreed that she will figure this out to. My conflict includes the fact that I want an independent woman but maybe that independence is troubling too.

At the end of the day we are very much in love and are looking forward to our living our lives together.

Now that the holidays are over I hope to settle into a calmer period. The travels and company over Christmas and New Years were fun but also over busy. I spent Christmas at Jake’s with Deanna and crew. It was fun; the first time in at least five years that we had all been together at Christmas.

On Saturday, morning, right after I got there I called them all together and told them that Joyce and I planned to marry on August. Both kids were supportive but for Deanna it made her miss Jo Lynn and Jake was only worried that he would see less of me! They both want me to be happy.

I returned home on Monday morning to meet Joyce’s mom. Charlie, Stephanie, and Paige were there too. We had a great visit. Vicky and I got along well and I liked her very much. (I think she approved of me.) I got some nice shirts and gifts there too; I was surprised by the gifts. I was sorry that I had made the decision to travel over xmas as it meant Joyce and I were apart. We spoke often by phone and I missed her very much, I promised her that we would not spend another Christmas apart. [I looked at my reservation and I had made the plans on November 8; I guess that just before I understood where our relationship was headed.]

After I got back from San Diego, we spent the week together and I worked short days. Joyce nursed me when I was sick for one night and she and I both had colds and coughs. We left Friday for Seattle and when we arrived we drove to Bellingham to visit Brian’s new workshop. It was fun and Joyce and Ruth got along very well. The bad news: Joyce woke up in the middle of the night with a high fever! She was sick both Saturday, and Sunday.

Joyce was so sick with high fever that she stayed in bed and slept most of the time. It was a difficult for her flying home Sunday night but she is very strong and made it all the way, even walking to my car at my office.

On Monday, she made an appointment with a Doc at Kaiser. He found she had pneumonia and gave her some antibiotic. She has been pretty sick since then although she rallies from time to time. She felt better this morning but her cough seems to just hang on and makes her very uncomfortable. She plans to cancel her golf lessons on Saturday and other events this week. She wants to keep the Shark tickets for Saturday night…we’ll have to see.

The wedding plans have grown very complicated. First the house, too many people; then the park, too many people and no music; then a block party, too much trouble. Now Marilyn is going to help us and it looks like it will grow to a commercial venue! I think that is better so that we don’t have to do the details. She thinks the guest list will be about 175! I am not sure but I think it could go above that even!

We continue to feel good about the marriage, we will have things to work out but we both have confidence that we can work them out together. And the strength of our relationship is continuing to grow, as our love seems to deepen with each passing day. [Sounds sappy I know.]

It has been sometime since my last update. Not too much new to report. We are still on the marriage track. I haven’t told my kids yet. I had planned to tell them the day of Joyce’s big Christmas party but Joyce asked me to wait in case Deanna was upset after hearing it. I think it will fine but I agreed to wait. Since I want to do it in face to face the first chance will be in San Diego this weekend, so I plan to tell them then.

Deanna has gone above and beyond to accept Joyce. Bringing desert to here party and being very supportive so I am confident that she will accept the marriage plan but it will no doubt be “weird” for her. I am not too concerned about Jake but he will be concerned about the time and logistics.

Joyce and I have continued to talk about the wedding and marriage; so far the plans shape up like this:

-We will see Bill about the ring in January and figure out what we want but I am pretty sure we will have him design a ring. On the weekend we tried on some engagement rings to see what looked good to her.

-Our plan is to formally announce our plans on Joyce’s birthday, March 31.


-The wedding will be in the first part of September, either at one of our houses or a nearby park. The guest list is the issue it may be too many for a house. The wedding will be casual, outdoors. A Lutheran Pastor will marry us.

-She has called a lawyer she knows and we will meet him in January to help us figure out the best way to protect our estates and one another. This should not be too complicated but it needs to be understood and thought through.

Joyce has told many of her friends as well as her boys that we are getting married. We are both concerned that it is so soon (less than four months) but by the time we are married it will have been nearly a year so to me it seems very right. We both feel confident that we have made a good decision but if you consider that we have until September to grow together it seems very right, to me.

I am not sure that I will keep this blog going much longer. The last act to deal with the grief was visiting my Pastor last week to tell him that I was moving on to a different church because the memories were too difficult to shake at our old church My life is moving into a new phase and the grieving is faded now to the point that I am comfortable with it and my priority now is to move into my new life with a new wife so I will not dwell in the past. I will certainly never loose the memory of Jo Lynn but my life now centers around Joyce first and the kids second and I will move on from here. .

Our romance is steadily moving forward I think.

At dinner on Monday we discussed the engagement. I asked her if she was would accept my ring on her birthday, I actually said; “will you marry me?” She said yes. So we are pre-engaged now and will become engaged on her birthday. She then asked if I would give her a two-carat diamond ring. I told her yes. We agreed that the idea of marrying in Sicily is two complicated so we will figure out something else. She seemed to suggest late summer but we didn’t decide. We have also talked about what kind of wedding but so far we have not decided.

Last night she proposed that after Christmas we change the living style a little. Now I spend nearly every night with her at her house and that’s fine but it is hard to get my normal things done at home. She suggested that we change so that she spent the nights with me at my house. She had several reasons: She is in the process of establishing residence at her condo so she can sell it but she is really at home. She thinks it would be better if she weren’t there at night. And once tax season starts for her in February, I was planning to stay at home anyway to keep out of her hair. She would sleep at my house but go home to do her work and other things. It seems like it will work so we agreed to plan it. Once the plan is set I will tell Deanna that we are going to live together so that there will be no surprises.

Yesterday Joyce visited her friend and client Bill (the jeweler). She saw an invoice for a two-carat diamond for $20K. She wanted to back out of the ring but we agreed that we would talk to Bill about what we could get for less money and then decide. But she wanted me to know that she didn’t expect something that expensive. I had expected it to be $6K to $8K, so we will have to see.

We also talked about how to handle our assets and family inheritances, we agree that we will keep them separate and protect them for the kids. She is less concerned about keeping things separate than I am but we agreed that we will see a lawyer and get advice on what options we have and what to be cautious about. She raised a very good point about housing though; the idea is that we will live in some house and if it is not community property we need to make certain that the surviving spouse can stay there as long as he or she wants too. This might be one of our existing houses or a new one but it is an important thing to do. I suggested that since we will inevitably accumulate some community property we might want to set up a new trust (she and I both currently have such trusts) to assure that everything is clear to all the kids. (I can’t imagine that any of the four would be troublesome but it is always better to have things defined clearly and in advance.) It just occurs to me now that in addition to having the house we live in protected we need to make sure that there are enough liquid assets available to support the surviving spouse too. This is something that we need to work out with the help of the lawyer.

Just to wrap this up. I am very happy with our situation and I feel comfortable about committing to marriage. But I realize that it is a big step with a lot of changes and effort required on both our parts to make it work. I think we both share the commitment to make the changes that will make it work.

Joyce and I continue grow closer and more involved.

I came home from Atlanta on Friday night and Joyce met me at my house just after midnight. We had talked on the phone two or three times each day. We had missed each other very much. On Saturday and Sunday we did things with her sister and other relatives. I liked them all and we had a good time. Joyce and I spent Saturday, night at my house too. Our relationship has grown even stronger in the last week.

We have talked more about marriage and we both agree that getting married is the result we both want but we are uncertain of the right time. She has suggested that we might want to wed in Sicily but said it was just an idea. I have suggested that we might get engaged on her birthday (3/31). I currently think that I like that idea and I just need to decide to get the ring. I will probably delay starting the purchase until after Christmas and I may ask Bill to help me with a nice ring.

Thanksgiving is coming this week and I will be in Atlanta with my dad and having dinner on Thursday at my stepsister Lorri. I will miss spending the holidays with Joyce and her family at her house. I would have preferred to be here but these plans were already made before I met her.

Deanna, Rich, and Scott were here on Saturday, I bought Scott his xmas gift (a snow board set up) and Joyce and I spent the afternoon with Scott. We planned to drive to Stockton to watch Marissa in a band contest but we got held up by traffic and had to abort. We traveled for four hours and didn’t go anyplace but to eat in Pleasanton! Deanna and Rich learned about the Sicily trip and want to go! They visited with Joyce and got along fine. Rich was really joking with her. I am pleased. Last night Jake was in town for business and I have he and Joyce for dinner. They also got along fine although Jake was his normal reserved self. So we are past this phase and so far everyone is doing well with accepting that I am moving on.

Meantime, Joyce and I continue to grow closer. We see one another every night and we spend most of our weekend time together. I worry a little (not much) that the feelings are so intense that it might be more crush than love. However, it sure doesn’t seem like a crush (although lust does enter into the feelings on both sides), I feel more strongly all the time that I really want to be with Joyce. She expresses this same feeling often. To some extent I depend on her instincts because I have no real experience and I know that is dangerous but it is still valuable input for me. She also relates that her friends’ advice has been helpful to her in the past in judging if a man was good for her or not; so far she tells that her friends give me “thumbs up”. That pleases me and it is helpful but still maybe not so objective. At this point we have only established a few things:
We love each other and want to spend time together. We are very affectionate, we hug, kiss, and hold one another very often.
She sees us married at some point but she has no firm idea of when that might be or how the decision would be made. Nor do I.
I see us together but the details of the relationship are not so clear to me but I imagine that for me marriage will turn out be the only comfortable way to go forward.
It is not clear to me where we will be in the near or medium term with respect to living together or continuing the current mode of spending our nights together but maintaining two houses.

All that said, the past Sunday I helped her with some cooking, we played golf, and I helped her with some household repairs. It was fun, we really do enjoy just being together doing normal stuff. Joyce also attended the Photosig with me on Friday and she enjoyed it, I think. I will probably ask her friend Marilyn to go in January, so since she is interested in getting a high-end digital camera.

For now I am feeling good about Joyce and our relationship and I am very very happy. It is important that we laugh together and at ourselves, everything with her is just so easy.

The saga continues…

An awful lot has happened since my last post, less that than two weeks ago. Joyce and I have spent most nights together and so far nothing has occurred that suggests any looming difficulties. I am kind of limited in time this morning so I will make it short by just listing some high points. The sex has improved and this past weekend it was the best so far (without details, for me is was outstanding). And we I am growing closer and more comfortable with this new relationship everyday. Now for some high-lights.

Last weekend I was in Albion with Mom and Joe. I talked to Joe about a day in future when he may no longer be able to care for Mom by himself. I visited Bishop Place in Pullman where he said they know several people and might consider. It was very nice. Joyce and I had visited the Atria in Willow Glen, it was nice but no better than the BP in Pullman. BP is building a Alzheimer unit that should be ready next summer, in time that Mom might need that. (I imagine that the issue for Joe will be physical care before the dementia becomes unmanageable for him.) Ruth and I will talk to Joe’s kids about this and then confirm with Joe and if all agree then we will put them on the waiting list.

This weekend was very full. Friday, we had dinner, and attended West Side Story. Both were very good. Saturday, we had dinner with her friends Linda and Pete, there were some others there and it was very nice. It is fun to meet bright and stimulating people again. I reflected that for so many years my life was constrained by the Alcohol problems. First; Jo’s drinking nearly halted our social life, it was slow but continuous. Eventually we stopped going to parties and first spent much time together (as I tried to fix her) and later in the process we went out even less. Then when she entered treatment and started AA our social life centered on AA folks. I was happy with that but I was always a bit of an outsider and the conversations nearly always involved the program and people in the program. Now being back with people in a more normal situation is turning out to be very good. So far I have meet several of her friends and they are all wonderful people.

Yesterday we visited an elderly couple (Ross and Kathy) in Folsom. They were so much fun and I liked seeing how much they love Joyce. It is clear that they think of her as an important part of their family! I loved spending time with them too. Earlier on Sunday we meet briefly with her friend Ricci and Ricci’s sister and brother-in-law (Steve and ????), they were great people too.

We picked up a truckload of stuff at their house then we proceeded on the Placerville to meet Deanna and crew. We saw their new house (under offer contract) and also went to their current house. Deanna told me later that everyone liked Joyce and they could see how happy we were. Interestingly Deanna also said that Joyce was exactly like she had expected (from my descriptions) but that the other three were surprised. She attributed that to her communications. Although I wasn’t worried about their response I was happy that it is so positive.

We had a great day on Sunday. We woke up together, drove to Folsom and then to Deanna’s and home. We talked about a lot and had good time. Since we were both very tired we decided that I should spend the night at home so we could catch up on sleep. I did, and I slept well but I missed her, very much. She and I have talked a lot about what our relationship is like now and where it will go in future. I believe we see it very much the same, she is better able to articulate it but we agree. In capsule form; We love each other we want to be together today and we both expect our relationship to survive and prosper for the rest of our lives. We also recognize that it is a new relationship (we meet just 8 weeks ago last Saturday) and as such it may change so we need to allow for some to pass. We expect that one day we will both know what we need to do. In the mean time we joke about our situation, of spending nearly everyday and night together but not “living together”. It is interesting and so new to me that I find it to be both emotionally and intellectually an important thing to think about. All said though, I feel as comfortable and certain of my feelings as I have ever felt at anytime. Joyce says the same thing so I have a lot of confidence that we will be together for the very long term. But I feel no pressure and I think we can just allow our love to develop and grow better acquainted until we reach the time for something more. In the meantime I am at least as happy as I can ever recall being!

Things continue to move forward:

Joyce and I spent a lot of time together last week and weekend. On Thursday we had dinner with her boys (as I said last blog). Then Friday we had dinner with Jim, Alisa, and Ben. We had a lot of fun playing with Ben and visiting with Jim and Alisa.

Then we spent Friday night together but didn’t sleep much. Saturday morning, we lay together and just talked. It was easy to do and while we both see ourselves together for the long term I am not sure that we see it exactly the same way. She sees us married sooner than I do, I think. My impression is that she would like to live together soon, like any time. I on the other hand, have the same long-term goals but I guess my idea of marriage would be out a few years (I don’t know why) and living together would also be out a ways. It is not contentious at this point but I am a little concerned that it might be in future. But for now we are happy when can be together and I miss her when she is away.

We spent the rest of Saturday running errands mostly for Joyce’s condo refurbishment project and then dinner and the Symphony. We had a great time but we were so tired that the symphony was difficult. Later we fell asleep and she laughed at me because I apparently dozed off during a kiss! She told me; “I thought this guy is really tired”! This is an example of how kind and understanding she is. There was not a hint of disappointment of irritation, just good-natured ribbing from her. This is another illustration of why I so attracted to Joyce.

Then on Sunday we lay in bed until 9:00 AM or so again just talking and loving until we got up so we could go to the Forty-Niners game. At the stadium we met some old friends of mine. Romano and I have known one another since I first moved to California in 1965 and we have worked together of and on and socialized for much of that period. One of the other fellows Mike worked with Romano and I for part of the time. I was so proud to introduce Joyce to them; of course she and Romano had to talk about being Italian! Romano and Mike couldn’t wait to tell some stories about some of our hi-jinks when we worked together. It was fun and we laughed a lot. Romano observed that he hadn’t seen me laugh like that in a long time; He was right, being there with Joyce and my old friends made me happier than I have been for many years.

To put the cap on the weekend the 9’ers won the game and the weather was outstanding. Joyce and agreed that spending the weekend together was a lot of fun and we felt even closer than we had before. Monday morning Romano called to tell me that he thought Joyce was great; that he thought my life would be easier now. I appreciated his call.

Joyce left Monday to visit her friend in Pebble Beach for golf and wallpapering. She will be home this afternoon and I will go by for dinner. I have taken her suggestion and put together a bag of toiletries that I will leave at her house. To me, that suggests a commitment that I could not have imagined making just a few weeks ago. It feels good and I hope and pray that it continues to work.