Building a new relationship after my wife's death.

The last couple of weeks were difficult. I couldn’t seem to shake the blues of missing Jo Lynn. I kept thinking back to the last day in the hospital and the last hours in the ICU. Nothing I did seemed to help drive these thoughts away. The thoughts caused me to sleep poorly and kept me distracted during the days. I don’t know what triggered this period but it has been longest stretch like this for a few months.

I have been to dinner with friends, traveled to Atlanta to visit my Dad; nothing I did took these feelings away. When I got home Sunday night from Atlanta I was very blue. Could not sleep at all that night. Then by Monday night I seemed back to normal again!

Now I am back to a more rational place. I realized yesterday that I had slept through the night again without getting up to wander the house. I was again able to put my thoughts and feelings in perspective, a welcome improvement.

I still think about her many times every day. For example, yesterday I went to new and interesting barbeque restaurant for lunch with two colleagues. It was fun and I immediately thought that I would tell Jo about it tonight. Of course even while that thought is forming I realize that I can’t tell her about it. I don’t have anyone to talk to while I watch the Baseball World Series! Sometimes I don’t know whether the main problem is missing her (I do, and I still love her) or is it just being alone so much. I will repeat myself here; I have never lived alone in my life. I was at home with my folks, then at college living with a roommate, then with my housemates when I rented a house with three of my friends. Then Jo Lynn and I were married…. never alone until April. Now everyday I am alone! I don’t know how to live alone and be happy; at least that is my fear.

Today driving to work NPR had some interviews with longtime fans of the Boston Red Sox. The fans were so pleased that their team had won a World Championship after 86 years! Many of them talked about their memories of being a fan with their deceased fathers or grand fathers. I began to weep! I couldn’t help it. I was glad it was dark so the other drivers didn’t see my insanity! It passed in two or three minutes and I felt fine afterward. I think what caused it was the idea that these people could talk about how the combination of the baseball game win and their memory of their deceased loved one could be a happy thing. I often experience things with that I know would have pleased Jo Lynn but when I think about how much she would have like it the happiness is overtaken by my sadness that she is not here. I pray that I will get passed this someday, someday soon.

I will be traveling to Washington State this weekend to visit my Mother. My sister and I will be there together. I am looking forward to seeing her and seeing my Mother and step Father too.

It has been a difficult few days for reasons don't understand. Today at church, I was doing fine when I noticed that the flowers for today were from me for Max’s birthday! I had forgotten but we always have flowers for the family birthdays. I went to check that about the payment and to thank Marty for them and she told me that Jo Lynn had taken care of everything before she died. Marty reminded me to be sure I took them home! After that I was useless. I knew that I didn’t want the flowers though so I asked a friend if she would like them and she took them for me. During the service I couldn’t pay attention I was very distracted, thinking about Jo Lynn.

It started lat last night, just couldn’t imagine that she was gone and would never be here with me again. I don’t know how to describe how that feels to me. It is not possible; I think. Then I know it’s true, she has died but even now it doesn’t seem real to me.

Today, during church, my mind flashed to the hospital and what happened that last day. I don’t even remember when I called pastor. I remember his help but no other details about his role. How can I forget that? I don’t want the details of that day to slip away from me. I need to forget them, I know, but I don’t want them to fade either. (Sorry that this is so contradictory!)

Friday night Deanna called, asking what our address was when we lived in Phoenix. Neither of us could recall. Deanna said, she was thinking about it and she thought, “I’ll just call Mom!” I am so focused on my loss that I only feel Deanna’s loss as part of mine. The truth is different though. Deanna lost her Mom, and her friend and I haven’t been much help to her. The other aspect of the problem is that I can’t really help her because I barely help myself.

I will close now. Not very sensible.

Yesterday, Sunday, was difficult. Deanna and the kids came Saturday afternoon and left early yesterday morning. We all had a nice dinner and Deanna and I enjoyed the symphony. After they left at 7:30 AM it was lonely.

I missed Jo Lynn so much during church. I have been traveling so much that I missed the last three weeks. I was in other churches those Sundays and other churches don’t cause the same emotions that SOTV does. When I see the altar with the statue I think about how much she loved it there. I recall the trip we made to Italy and our visit to the sculptor who carved the statue. How she described to him how she felt about the image and how it moved her, she brought tears to the eyes of all of us that were there. The sculptor was very moved and told her that her reaction was exactly what he was thinking when he made the piece. I am rambling!

Tomorrow her friends Bunny and Linda are coming to see me. Bunny’s baby was born shortly after Jo died. Jo was working on a blanket for the baby but didn’t finish it. Once the drugs kicked in during the chemo she couldn’t crochet any more so the blanket didn’t complete. Deanna took it home and worked very hard to finish it and we gave it to Bunny. When the baby was born, it was a girl and Bunny named the baby Kayla Jo Lynn! So they are coming to show me the baby and Bunny wants a picture of Jo to put up in the baby’s room. Yesterday I collected the best pictures from the last two years (of Jo) made shortcuts to them and printed several so that Bunny can choose the one that works for what she wants. Going through so many pictures from holidays, birthdays, and just outings and trips was nice but also pretty hard.

I have made many pictures of Jo and have them around the house. I sometimes wonder if doing this unhealthy? I like the images and I enjoy the task of preparing them in PhotoShop along with the printing and framing. I worry that I may be a little obsesses though! Probably not.

I do look forward to seeing Linda and Bunny. They plan to visit Jo’s grave in November, on Jo’s AA birthday along with the other “chicks” and they have asked if I want to join them. I have not yet decided. The “chicks” is the name of a women’s group that she attended and loved for many years.

It has been difficult the last two days. I was at a business meeting this week the meeting was held at Lake Tahoe, in a hotel that Jo Lynn I had occasionally stayed in for skiing weekends over the years. I knew that, of course, before going to the conference and although I thought about it didn’t bother me at first. Then yesterday morning during the meeting it hit me and knocked me for a loop. I was just consumed by this depression for two or three hours. I had planned to stay today to visit with some of the guys who traveled from the East Coast and Europe and drive home this afternoon. Instead I left before dinner last night and drove home (about 250 miles).

Then, although I was very tired I slept poorly and when I was finally asleep I dreamed again about being separated from Jo Lynn. In the dream she built a strong chain-link fence and locked it so that I couldn’t get in. The fence was around a house but the garage was outside the fence. I was using tools from the garage, trying to cut through the fence but I couldn’t get through it.

I guess this dream and the other dreams a few weeks ago, must be caused by my feelings of missing her and maybe finally coming to grips with the truth. The truth being, of course, she is gone. She will not be with me ever again. I need to get over the feelings that she “should be here”, that she “will be with me…” Perhaps the dreams are part of the recognition that she won’t ever be there again! If so I hope it all resolves soon. The feelings make me sad and the dreams do not help, in the short term anyway.

A friend told me recently that in the Jewish tradition they allow one year for the first stage of grief for the loss of a wife or husband. I think she meant that it would be one year before the griever should even begin to resume a normal life. I am not sure what that really means. I can’t imagine a life of withdrawing solitude to get over this! However, I also don’t know if what I am doing (that would be just going day to day) is a good or bad idea. I don’t like to be overtaken by these strong sad feelings at time I don’t expect.

Well today I am back in the office, way behind, and trying to catch up. Tonight I have a Photo-sig meeting and tomorrow the Symphony so I will be busy and maybe I can avoid another attack for a few days.

Had a great weekend with Jake and Max here. Yesterday, after they arrived we went to the Children’s Discovery Museum (www.cdm.org) he had a great time. We all did. Then today we drove to Deanna’s where we went to Scott’s football game also had a great time.

Learned that Marissa got her report card this week, three A’s and one A-, very good for the transition to high school. Scott will get his this week; I imagine they will be good too. I will get them the gift certificates at Amazon when Scott’s are in.

I dropped Jake and Max at the airport in Sacramento, then nearly three hours to drive home. Nuts!
Then tonight I was doing my laundry and all of sudden, it hit me again, I am lonesome and sad. Hadn’t felt that way all week then. Wham! I don’t know what I have to do.