Building a new relationship after my wife's death.

Things never seem to go just the way I expect anymore. I thought that I was past the worst of the grief and then on Friday it is back and with a vengeance until today at church I just couldn't keep the tears back. Remembering the things we shared and the way she communicated her faith so clearly and without uncertainty, I miss it so much. I miss her so much. The last two nights I didn't sleep very well again. Slow to fall asleep then wake at 2:00 AM unable to fall back asleep. Everything I read makes the point that these feelings will continued to come up but somehow I thought I was immune to them by now. Guess not!

I ran a lot this week, Thursday I ran 7.3 miles, a new record. Total for the week was 15.3 miles. Today was warmer, it was over 80F when I ran. Doing pretty well with running and it does help. Keeping me in shape and also aids my feelings sometimes.

I am pretty sure that I will not stand for reelection to the Board of Elders at church. I need to talk to Don and Pastor but I don't have good feelings about it right now. I am away too many Sundays and I may want to try other churches to see if I feel less sadness when I am there. I am reluctant to change because I have friends at SOTV but the sadness there is hard to deal with too. I will probably try to just stop eldering but continue to support the communion and other things. I will talk to them next Sunday.

Still doing pretty well I think. Sleeping fairly good, although I am staying up later than I have in several years. Deanna and I agreed that I will have Marissa here for a week after Scott leaves. She will be helping at SOTV VBS. Scott will be here for the Basketball camp first week of August. And VBS is the following week. I look forward to them.

Deanna asked last night about my weight. It remains steady at around 185. Range's from 183 to 187, same as it has been since November last year. Deanna was put "in charge of my weight and my not becoming a alcoholic!" I have bought on 6 pack since Jo died, when Roger was over for dinner, we drank four and the other 2 are still in the fridge. Brought home one bottle of wine from a WN Christmas gift and it is also un opened. The calories in the beer and wine is more concerning than the alcohol.

I will be in LA Friday with Dave W at LBCT to fit the antenna to the UTR. Wish I didn't have to go but it needs to be done.

Bye for now

Last week was not as difficult as weeks past. In part I was very busy with dinners and other activities each night. Spent the weekend with Jake, Jill, and Max. Had a great time.

In the mail when I got home I found the checks from the insurance companies for Jo's life insurance and the extra from the insurance company for the out of pocket expenses related to cancer. Not much money really but I am glad that it is out of the way.

This week I hope to work on the photographs, get my new printer running and get ready for a Photosig Wall on 7-16. It may be that Deanna and the kids will try to come one day, she mentioned it but I think they are teaching VBS all week. On Saturday, I am scheduled to play in a golf tournament for church.

Need to run tonight. Jake gave me a new running watch of Father's Day.

By for now...

Another weekend is finished. I had a lot to do this weekend so it went fast and without too much sadness. Friday night was Photosig and that was interesting. Smart and interesting people. And a lot to learn about photography. Saturday hang pictures and stuff. Dinner at Roger's and still more learning about photography. Today was church and then a barbecue at Rob's house. Church is still the thing that always makes me remember Jo Lynn. Still makes me sad but less than it used too, at least this morning.

Not much to say, so good night.

This week is very busy at work and otherwise. Last night the piano was picked up for transport to Deanna's. She is excited and is already arranging lessons for Scott. I am glad that they are so enthused about getting it.

I will go to a photosig meeting on Friday night. I have to pick up Marissa's pictures at CostCo this afternoon then make the selections for the Wall next month! When I have the candidates I will go to Roger's to prepare and print the photos. Then I need to mount my "wall" and get the frames I need. I look forward to having it ready but it is a lot of work.

The loneliness I felt the last two weeks seems to me easing (I hope). I don't know why but it feels better, somehow. I still want to call Doug and Marion to take an evening walk, perhaps tonight. But I should run! Hmmm

Marissa told her mom that she thought I was lonesome and didn't have anyone to talk to. She thought I should get a dog! I am not sure what I did that suggested this but it is true. (Not the part about a dog). Maybe she is just more perceptive than I expected.

Back to work...

I had a great weekend with Marissa. Picked her up Friday afternoon and we were busy until yesterday when I met Deanna to take her home. On the way home we stopped to buy her a bedside stand to go with her new bed and bed covers. Took her swimming Friday afternoon then barbecued steaks for dinner. Up early, went hiking in Quick Silver Park, we both took a lot of photographs and had a great time. Later went to an "Art Fest" at the Triton museum in Santa Clara. She was very interested in the artists and the art, it was a lot of fun. I bought a print for Deanna and Rich for a gift and ceramic fish for Scott. I have to figure out how to remember that I have them when gift occasions rise. Then Saturday evening it was dinner downtown that the symphony. Marissa was so grown up. She really like the concert and we had a great time. Yesterday she attended Adult Bible Class with me. She even volunteered to read on passage and she did a good job. She is great.

Marissa is great, Thirteen going on twenty five! Being with her I couldn't help thinking how much Jo Lynn would have loved having her for this visit. How much Jo loved the symphony and how different life is without her. My feelings of missing her were very strong again and don't seem to be ebbing very much.

Deanna had finished the baby blanket that Jo had been working on while she was in the hospital. She attached it to a flannel sheet to make it the correct size. I looks very nice and she gave it to me when I met her yesterday. Jo had intended the blanket for her friend Bunny so I took it to her last night. She was very pleased to have it and I was happy that Deanna took the time and effort to finish it.

I don't really know how Deanna is doing in getting through her morning for her Mother. She seems to be doing well and is still focused on taking care of me and her kids. But I can't tell if she is really OK or just forcing herself to feel ok?

I will have a busy week this week with lots of projects moving along and getting started at work. Jake and Jill leave on Wednesday for WDC coming home on Tuesday the 15th. I have committed to calling Doug and Marion this week for a walk, on Tuesday I will be playing golf with Pat. And on Saturday I will either have dinner with Rob and Lois or go to SF for the gallery opening of Sandeep's Mother, I will need to check with Lois to see if they are still planning on dinner.

I'll close now and get some work started....

Sleeping is still troublesome. Last night I woke several times but was able to go back to sleep. I dreamed that I was a lung surgeon and that I was able to operate on people with bleeding lungs, low platelets and no immune response. This is of course what happened to my wife. Jo had contracted a lung infection when she had no white count. The docs tried many drugs but nothing helped and eventually she began bleeding in both lungs. It was not likely that surgery would have saved her but it didn't matter because no surgeon would attempt to operate. Her blood was do damaged by the leukemia and chemo that the she had very little clotting ability. And her immune system was producing no white cells at all. She had been getting platelets daily for weeks (even before she entered the hospital) and was getting drugs designed to stimulate the immune system. But she continued to need plasma, whole blood, and her white counts remained near zero. That made surgery impossible.

Why are these thoughts suddenly occupying my thoughts? Or more importantly when will they stop?

I slept a little better last night but still find myself thinking about Jo Lynn and particularly the last weeks before she died. Her time in the hospital and the last few weeks before she started the treatment. Odd thoughts!

It is a good deal more distracting than it has been for several weeks. I am reading "Life After Loss" by Bob Deits; He says that most people experience something like this after the third month. If that is true perhaps I am just ahead of schedule by a few weeks. It is more than just sleep too. I am eating poorly, distracted, short of patience, and just plain sad. Nuts to it all!

To add to my irritation this morning I visited an ATM and, what happens! My care gets swallowed because it has expired! If there was a warning I missed it, but it pissed me off, that it happened. I don't really understand why the ATM cards need to ever expire! The Credit Union has not called me back yet!

I feel better now.....

I seem to have developed a new difficulty. Since Sunday night I have had trouble sleeping. I fall asleep quickly but wake after two or three hours and then can't seem to fall asleep again. It is not like insomnia that I have experienced or a few occasions in my life. On those occasions I could identify the worry that was causing me to lose sleep because it was on my mind when I could not sleep. Now I just wake and nothing is really there. I suppose it should be obvious that it is due to missing Jo Lynn but the symptoms are not so clear. What ever it is I am tired of it.

My son, Jake, was here for last night for dinner and he stayed. He will work from my house this morning before his business meeting later this morning. I enjoyed talking to him last night. He told me, "it still doesn't seem like Mom is really gone." I agree, sometimes I feel the same way. It isn't that I expect her to come back. I no longer feel like she will be home when I get there. Still though, sometimes I imagine the things I will tell her when I see her and I feel like I need to share thoughts with her. I don't know how long it takes for these feeling to fade...

I arranged for a piano moving company to take the Piano to Deanna's house. It will be picked up next week on Tuesday or Wednesday. It will cost $300 but it would cost nearly that much to rent a truck and equipment, then we would have to spend a day moving it. Deanna found the company and I made the arrangements. The piano had been Jo's when she was a kid and she have planned for Deanna to have it. Deanna believes both Scott and Marissa may want to take lessons. I hope so. I will be able to rearrange the dining room once the piano is gone and then I will make a wall for my photographs in the entry hall.

Monday most of the day was used by sorting the medical bills and insurance forms from Jo's leukemia. Turns out that the small life insurance policy her folks had purchased when she was little also pay $2400 for out of pocket medical expenses for people with cancer. So I made copies of all the insurance forms to send with to them for the reimbursement. Going through them brought back a rush of memories from the last few days and of the day she died. That didn't seem so hard at the time but I can't seem to get the thoughts and images out of my head. (Related the insomnia I imagine).

I need to get some work done so I'll close for now.