Building a new relationship after my wife's death.

I went to Deanna's Friday and came home yesterday after church. Marissa's eighth grade graduation was Friday evening. She was great got two scholastic awards and one included some public service. It was clear how much her teachers thing of her, very rewarding to for me. All in all very impressive ceremony Rich (as a member of the school board) gave Marissa her diploma. I am awfully proud of her. Her last report card was all A's!

Scott had his report card too. He had a 3.0, made the honor roll and was a "gold star student". He let me read his Mission report and it was very good. He got an A+ from his teacher and it was obvious how much work she put into grading it. He was very proud that his marks are so good and everyone seemed to help reinforce his self pride.

As has been my practice for several years I sent them each Amazon gift certificates for their academic work. They will get the emails at their own addresses.

Watching the graduation was hard because of Jo Lynn being gone. I wanted to share this with her as we have always shared milestones like this. She was so proud of all the kids and grandkids and she demonstrated her pride so well. I wanted to share that with her! But even though it was hard I didn't weep, so I seem to getting a little past the raw stage but I still miss her all the time. Today is Memorial day and went to the grave this morning with a dozen roses. The bronze marker is there and installed. I was surprised as it is early. It is very new from the looks of the sod around it I am sure it was just installed last week. I stayed for a while after placing the flowers. Then I called the kids on the way home.

Sometimes I feel things are not getting better but I think, really, that they are. It is still tough but better than it was.

Jake may come for dinner on Tuesday. He will be at Safeway again for a couple of days so I expect him tomorrow night for dinner. Looking forward to seeing him.

It has been a while since I posted. Last time was 5/16. Last weekend I joined my sister and brother in law on a visit to see my mother and step father. Found mom physically better than I feared but no to good. And her memory is really bad! How ever she seemed to really enjoy our visit and both she and Joe were happy with the new computer that Rich and Ruth had purchased and prepared for them. Rich and I installed it and now they are back on email big time.

I also visited Jo's mother on Sunday morning. Jo's brother and sister were there too but I don't think Eileen was sure who I was or just how I fit into the family. She was less upset and much more calm than the last time I saw her but she still seemed very frail.

The trip home was interesting. While waiting out a flight delay in Spokane I became acquainted with two women in the airport. Somehow I told them that my wife had passed away recently. They were both very nice and supportive. One of them lives in Santa Rosa and is divorced but I didn't get her name although I did think about it! Another woman on the plane was also a widow. She tried to be helpful but by that point I was very blue.

The blues continued Monday and Tuesday. I was more down than I have been in a few weeks. I suppose being in Washington without Jo was the trigger; I was never there without her in 40 years.

Seeing her brother and sister seemed to bring her to mind more to. They are both very good to me and clearly love me but they are reminders.

Tomorrow Marissa (grand daughter aged 13) graduates from the eighth grade. With her mother's help I bought her a bed spread as a gift. I wanted to send a note with it but I couldn't. I wanted to write about how proud Grandma was of Marissa and how much she would been thrilled by the graduation and by Marissa's achievements. I could not write it though!

My running and biking is going well. Ran 5 miles with hills on Tuesday for a new P.B. Feels good, I am still improving and feeling good. My promise to Jo to keep my weight down is holding, and I am happy about that.

Closing for now....

This weekend is proving to be more difficult than I had expected. I found myself missing Jo Lynn a lot yesterday. And still this morning, I found my self in the shower wondering how to keep her memory alive for Max. Max is too young to have any real memories of her. He has her gifts to him and her voice on the story CDs she made for him. But he won't know how much she loved him and how much she would have done for him as he grew. The truth is, there is not much I can do, I think. Still, I am very sad that she couldn't have lived to affect Max's life the way she did for Marissa and Scott. She always knew what to say or do for them that was just what they needed. She made them such a special part of her life all the time. Giving them gifts and sending them little things that made them happy. She always had very clear ideas about what gifts would be most appreciated by them. Skills that I lack for the most part.

I still find little things that we would have enjoyed joking about or talking over. That is what happened yesterday that started the sad thoughts. There is nothing that I can do about her being gone. I can't imagine her back with us.

Next weekend I will be going to Albion and Colfax. Seeing her Mom may be hard, I am not sure that it matters to her if I stop in to see her or not. I am not sure why I think I need to do it...But I do.

I am finished with another week. It was really the easiest one so far. I am very busy at work and that keeps me busy. On Tuesday evening I went for a bike ride managed to fall and skinned both knees and my shoulder. I could not run on Wednesday because of the bruises. Dumb! Ran again yesterday for 4 miles.

Tonight Roger was here for dinner. Turned out well; served steak and potatoes, salad, and spinach. Good. Later I watched ER on television. Big mistake. The hospital scenes were very hard to watch.

Deanna and Jake have planned a camping trip for the end of July. We used to do camping trips when Jo Lynn was alive before Max was born. I was never such a big fan of them but it will be fun to be with the kids. I will probably be in Washington before the camping trip. Nate's wedding is 7/24 and I will be there for that.

I am not sure what I will be doing tomorrow...

It was good to get back to work today. Through another weekend, I did a lot but I still find that the weekends are very lonesome. I miss her the most then.

I have a busy week planned. Tomorrow afternoon the house will be appraised (needed for the estate lawyer), then I have an Elders meeting at church. Wednesday evening I have dinner planned with some friends. Then Friday Roger and his son will come here and I will try to cook for them. Not sure how well that will go or what I will prepare. Probably the chicken salad that eat for every meal is not a good choice for this:-)

I would like to describe the way I feel sometimes but I really don't have the words or names for these feelings. It's very odd. The closest I can come is to say that I feel a mild case of "butterflies in my stomach". The feeling that is associated with mild anxiety. Kind of like when I have to do something important that I have never done before, even though I'm confident I will do it, I am anxious at the same time. I feel this a lot. I think it is because I don't know what my life will be like in the coming years. I am healthy and reasonably resourceful so I am sure I will be OK but still...what will it be like for me without Jo Lynn to share everything with?

I don't know. I just don't know.

Letter to Deanna.

At church this morning we had some small books for women to be given for Mother's Day. I took two two, one each for Deanna and Marissa. Since we decided not to meet today I wanted to mail them. I wrote a letter to Deanna and put it the package. Here is the leter.

-----------------------------
5/9/04
Deanna,

I hope that this book might be helpful to you some times.

I want to tell you how much I value the help and support that you have provided to me since Mom’s death. I know these last few weeks would have been a lot harder, for me, if it hadn’t been for you. You stayed with me, helped me with the most difficult tasks, and provided good advice. I am sorry that I seemingly don’t know how to help you as much when I know your loss is just as great as mine.

Just as I am sure that no one knows precisely how I feel and how I miss my wife; I am sure that I am not able to know precisely how the loss of your Mother must feel.
This morning someone told me that I should be glad that I knew Jo Lynn was with Christ; that knowing that should make my sadness go away. Usually I have just ignored these kinds of comments but this morning I thought for a minute and then responded. “The truth is I do know that but that doesn’t help when I think about her never being with me again, never coming home in the evening, never being in church with me.”

That she is in heaven doesn’t help when we miss her. Last weekend with all of us at your house for the weekend; I missed her happiness. I thought about how proud she would have been when all four of us finished the 5K run and when Marissa and Jake won medals. When you introduced Dick I could barely even say hello; I was so moved that my voice cracked because I recalled how proud Mom and I were when we read the letter that he wrote us about you. That letter reinforced the accomplishments that you have made for your self and everyone you touch in your life.

I know this too. Mom would be so very very proud of you and how much you are helping to hold the family together now as we try to learn to go on without her here to steer us. Mom and I were full of pride of you and your family, Rich, Scott, and Marissa are all three such good and kind people. She would have glowed with Grandma pride when the kids sang in their choir with all of us in pews. It was a source of great pride for her that you and Rich have taken such a leadership role in your church.

I know that Marissa’s graduation will one of the times that we will think about Mom and the pride she would have felt for Marissa; how well she does in school, in sports, and what magnificent young woman she is. I will have the same feelings but Mom would have expressed them so much better. I will miss that too.

When Scott’s new football season begins we will experience similar feelings. She was so pleased by his work and successes in everything but the football was somehow special to her. When he won the best attitude award she was very happy; for her there was nothing better than that.

Love
Dad

Mother's Day

Deanna left me a message that I received when I got in the car after church. She said she felt bad and would prefer to cancel our outing. I called her when I got home and we talked about it. She is saddened because she misses her mother so much and Mother's Day has made her feel "blah". I think she is having more trouble lately than I am. I don't know how to help her as much as she helped be in the beginning! Anyway we agreed that we would cancel our outing for today. She said that Scott had made a card for her.

I will decide later what to, maybe biking, or just watch the Sharks playoff game. I will send the two devotions books that I got for Marissa and Deanna. I was planning to take them but will send them instead. And I will phone Mom and maybe Dad and Jewell.

Well. I did the four miles. Didn't time it but it was less than 40 minutes!

I had difficulty going to sleep last night. Worst night since she died, I think, for falling asleep, it was well past midnight. But after I did go to sleep I dreamed that Jo Lynn came home!

Not coming back from death. No, just coming home from someplace else. She came in and I was doing some household chore (cleaning, I think, but not sure). Anyway she came to me and leaned down (I was kneeling) and hugged me. I could actually feel her and if felt just like it did when we hugged one another. I was so moved that I woke just then and of course ... . It was a short dream. I seldom recall dreams and I remember this one barely.

I was troubled yesterday so I don't imagine the sleeping difficulty or the dream are very unusual but they are new to me. I am up still early so I will be tired tonight. I will leave now for a run. I skipped the run yesterday so I'll try to get in a full four miles this morning to make up for missing a day.

I hope that today will be easier for me, but as it is Mother's Day, I am not sure.

Today is Saturday again and it was tough again. I got a good bit accomplished, worked on the estate, found and appraiser from Marion, now I just need to wait for him to call me back and come. Did the wash, and again a wave of sadness and fear when I took the sheets from the bed. That has happened every time I have washed the sheets. Somehow the weight of knowing Jo Lynn is never coming home just overwhelms me. I think it is because when ever she was gone for a few days I always washed the sheets so she would come home to "smooth sheets", so ... you get the picture. The same feeling hit me again when I ironed some clothes. Not sure why but that too has happened before?

I bought a book on Grief this week. It seems to be pretty good but if I read too much of it at one time I start to weep. But it looks like most of the feelings I have are completely normal. At least others describe similar feelings. The discouraging thing is the books warning that this may last years!

I met our friend Nino today for coffee. He and I talked about loss, his divorce and my wife's death. He is an understanding man, very smart, and yet not so close that my emotions scare him or me. I will call him again, to meet, to talk.

Tomorrow is Mother's day. I will meet Deanna et al in Livermore after church. We will meet at the miniature golf course near the freeway. We will play and then have dinner together. I am looking forward to that but I wonder how long she can continue to support me so much. She has been wonderful. Originally we planned to meet at the SF Zoo but she worried that the crowds in SF might make finding a restaurant difficult. So the penguin got adopted via the internet and we moved our meeting to Livermore. Livermore is better for them in that they have to drive less, I am glad for that.

Well today would have been Jo Lynn's birthday. Deanna and I took roses to the cemetery this afternoon. Deanna seems to have as much trouble as I do in accepting that her mom is dead. I wish that I could help her. Instead of helping her when she needs it I feel swept over my grief and I don't talk because I know I will cry. I feel bad that I can't tell her what to do.

She told me how Scott was so upset because Jo Lynn wasn't with us on the weekend. I was too. She was such a great grandmother and now she is gone. Deanna finished embroadering the family table cloth Sunday night from the celebration the day before Jo went to the hospital for the last time. I wonder if we can ever use it again? I know I will cry when we do.

I bought a book about grief tonight. It described a man who stopped going to church when his wife died because he cried when he tried to enter the church. I feel the same way. It was someplace we always went together, no matter how busy and Jo Lynn so loved the services. I miss her when I am there.

I also miss her at bed time every night. It is because I am forced to acknowledge that she is gone forever. Tonight. Tomorrow. Every day will be without her for me. For all of us.

Now I have to go to bed and I am very sad.

Today was a better day. I managed to stay engaged in my work without drifting off into memories very often. Tomorrow Deanna, my daughter will be here and we will honor Jo Lynn's birthday. That will be pretty difficult I am afraid but I think that we need to do it, at least Deanna does.

I still have trouble sleeping. Last night was very bad. I suddenly became concerned that Jo couldn't talk to us during the last several hours after she was sedated and intubated. She knew I was there and later Deanna but she could only look at us with droopy eyes. Once Deanna said that she squeezed her hand. No reason that I should have started to worry about that just now. But I did only think of it last night and now it is stuck in my mind again!

My wife died on April 1, 2004. We had been married for just over 40 years. We were in college when we got married. In spite of having a wonderful family and lots of friends who are very considerate and are going out of the their way to help me, I am still feeling lost!

I don't know sometimes how I will be able to go on for the rest of my life with out her. I am back to work but I don't have the patience or attention span to work on difficult problems for very long. And pressure just seems to overwhelm me now. I don't sleep very soundly and I wake often during the night so on top of everything else I feel tired much of the time.

The week, Wednesday would have been Jo Lynn's birthday. Our daughter is coming in the afternoon to visit me. She will leave her classroom early to drive here so that we can be together to "celebrate" the day. We will visit the grave, place flowers, and then have dinner. I hope this is the right thing to do but I am not sure? Should we have ignored it?

I'll see if I can write more tomorrow.

Walt